I'm the Only Person I Can Be

This time of year, love is in the air.  The holiday smack-dab in the middle of this short month causes couples everywhere to spend money on their significant others...or friends whom they wish were their significant others.  It's not just Valentine's Day; I've gotten wind of people who had abstained from dating for a while, only to just recently find a relationship.  They might not come out and say, "I'm dating _____," but the signs are there.  Despite that, I find myself just as unattached as I've always been.  Of course, we all already know about how my technological devices are my "best friends" and that entertainment is my "significant other," but, that's more of a metaphor for a relationship.  If you didn't know me, and you heard me say that I'm "in a relationship" with an abstract entity...well, you'd likely think I'm a weirdo.

When I get bombarded with news of new relationships, engagements, and/or marriages, I often begin to wonder: Am I ever going to have a significant other, besides some abstract entity? Yes, I realize that I have mostly female friends, which means that I interact with more women than most married guys do; still, I can't have a close relationship with a married woman, because that's just asking for trouble.  Even if it never turns sexual, getting emotionally involved causes problems of which I want no part.  So, that leaves me to stick with friendship, and I'm likely going to be doing that for a while.

Do I now hold his former title?

Many people have tried to come up with various reasons as to why I'm sans a significant other right now, some of which are either no longer true or never were.  I've heard everything from, "No job," which hasn't been the case for over two years, to "You need to find someone with like interests," which is what I did in the past, and those ladies still turned me down, to the ever-popular "You don't love you, so, how can you expect someone else to?" Even I myself have attempted to come up with ideas, such as saying that my female friends only like me as a friend because they subconsciously see me as one of their "girlfriends," only because I lack the usual "guy" interests, to the fact that I treat people like technological devices, expecting them to give me exactly what I want, when I want it, and getting upset when they don't.  Still, I think the main reason is something completely different, and it's a bit complicated: Most of the people who are reading this are old enough to remember Dick Clark before he suffered a stroke, and how he was called "America's Oldest Teenager," only because he managed to always look quite young, despite being advanced in age.  That was probably at least partly thanks to lighting and/or stage makeup, but it was something that was the fodder of many a joke during his heyday.  You probably know someone--or are someone--who others erroneously believe is older or younger than he/she really is.  A high school teacher friend who is several years older than me once got mistaken for a student; a former friend was asked if she was a teen mom at her daughter's high school graduation, because people just didn't think she looked old enough to have a kid that old at a legitimate age; a misinterpretation of a friend's license plate led some random guy to think said friend was eighty years old, when he wasn't; and, there are countless other similar stories.  Some people can't help the fact that they look younger; that's just the way it is.  However, in right many cases, it seems like people's misconceptions of age are because of the way the person is question comports himself/herself.  I know that's the case with me; I'm nearly twenty-six years old, and, for years, people have thought I was much younger than I actually was.  Even when walking past a high school on the way to the library where I currently work, the school's resource officer thought that I was leaving school early.  I was thankful I didn't have to pull out my ID to prove who I really was.  It's to be expected, though, when my favorite topic of conversation is media that is generally intended for and/or popular with the younger set.

It's not just my favorite shows, movies, music, and books, though; there's yet another detail that many of you may not know.  The condition I have--which we all know isn't a disability!--falls under the category of developmental delays, which, in a nutshell, means that I am behind in some ways for my age.  That doesn't mean that I'm behind in every way; I was the only kid in my third grade class to be reading at an eighth grade reading level.  Still, socially, I have always been behind.  It's hard to say what my exact social age is; the last assessment I got on that was my mom telling me some years ago, "You don't act like you're nineteen; you act like you're nine!" Yes, I was nineteen at the time; still, if my social age was roughly half of my actual age, that means that I'm only about thirteen years old socially at the moment.  Yes, I have shown some recent maturity, but it still seems that I have a lot of growing to do, mostly based on some things most of you know nothing about.

Just before my "best friend" Emily and I called it quits, we had a discussion about me potentially dating a female friend who was about two decades my senior.  Prior to asking Emily about it, I'd had an overwhelmingly positive response from my other friends, so, I expected her to agree with them.  Instead, she called it an "absolutely horrible idea" for multiple reasons, one of which was, "You are so far apart socially, it'd be like her dating a child!" I wasn't very happy with her when she said that, but, now, I realize what she was saying.  I remember reading an advice column in the Christian magazine Guideposts for Teens where a sixteen-year-old guy asked the columnist what she thought about him dating a thirteen-year-old girl, and the columnist replied by talking about how, at those ages, the difference in priorities is so big, it could cause serious problems.  Sure, when one becomes an adult, three years is no big deal; I'm sure many of you married folks who are reading this have at least that much of an age difference with your spouse.  Still, when someone is as behind socially as I am, the priorities are completely different than others my age.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that trying to find a date wouldn't even be a concern if it weren't for this romance-obsessed world in which we live.  Honestly, even if I were to date a coeval young lady--or, for that matter, one a few years younger--she would probably end up feeling as if she were dating a child, because, socially, I'm just not at that level.

You may think that I can simply choose to be older socially, but, it doesn't work that way.  It's kind of like an old computer trying to run a new piece of software; if it even can start the application, it runs sluggishly most of the time, and eventually ends up crashing.  Unless I die young or Jesus returns in the next decade or so, I'll likely reach psychological maturity at some point...but it's something that's going to come on its own, not something that can be forced by anyone.  The only thing I can do is embrace the way I am.  Does that mean I have an excuse to act recklessly or do what I know I shouldn't? Of course not! Still, it does mean that, for the time being, relationships are a no-no for me.

As usual, I have a few points I would like to make.  First off: When someone has different priorities--like I do--you have to work with him/her, not try to convince him/her of what you feel is "important".  From 2002 to 2006, our household had a dog named Sparky, who I despised from day one.  Even before we got him, I had said how much I didn't like dogs--and, therefore, didn't want one--but he was still there nonetheless, and I told anyone who would listen, as well as the dog himself, how much I didn't appreciate him being there.  When my mom would hear me call him names and otherwise insult him, she always asked, "Why don't you love him?" Maybe that was just different than my sister, who never met an animal she didn't like, but, it should have been obvious why I didn't care for that dog: I just didn't like dogs in general, and no amount of pleading or defenses from my mom or anyone else was going to change my feelings.  Most people who have dogs adore them, and would be rather upset if they lost their canine companion; when my mom finally did take Sparky back to the SPCA--which I knew all along she would have to do--I was happy, and considered it a personal victory.  The dog just wasn't important to me, despite the feelings of others.

It isn't just about pets, though; it's everything.  Most people around my age--at least, in my experience--have jobs, relationships, classes, and/or kids to worry about.  They may not have all four, but their time is dominated by at least one or two.  Sure, I do have a job, but I only work nineteen hours a week, and I almost always have Mondays and Wednesdays off.  Without a significant other nor any classes or kids, I have much more time on my hands than most coeval folks.  That's why I can read five books in a week's time, or watch at least one television episode every day; I don't have a girlfriend, a son/daughter, or loads of homework to take up all my spare waking hours.  Honestly, it's better that way; it makes it easier to get done what I need and/or want to get done.

Second off: Just because my "way" is different doesn't make me any better than anyone else.  I used to have a edutainment computer game called Math Workshop, which had a young lady named Poly Gonzalez as its main character.  The game's manual described Poly as a wunderkind and mathematical genius, and talked about her graduating from a school where the motto was: "No one is greater than or less than...everyone is equal to...each other." It's a true statement; the Declaration of Independence, as well as Galatians 3:28, say the same thing.  Still, I've always had a tendency to look down--often unintentionally--on those who didn't know something that I did, or who did the "common" thing: watch/play sports, go to school dances, etc.  That usually meant I was looking down on everyone but myself, even if I had no intention of doing that.  There's been times where people have accused me of thinking I was "better than" they were, when I wasn't even trying to imply any such thing.  Of course, I want to stand for what I believe in, and I don't want to completely avoid conversation, but discussing my "way" without an air of superiority has proven rather difficult, and likely always will.

My final point, which sort of ties in with the previous one: There's a very good reason why I appear to lack confidence.  Back in 2008, I posted a note on Facebook--some of you will remember those--that discussed the reasons I didn't have a driver's license in brutally honest detail.  I started off by saying that driving was an issue where "I am right and pretty much everyone else is wrong." I got a bunch of comments, one from an old friend, who said, "Driving is not the issue, [Siobhan]; a lot of people don't drive.  The real issue is pride: 'I am right and pretty much everyone else is wrong.'"  I was rather offended by his comment; if I was sure of something I knew to be true, regardless of what everyone else thought, did that make me prideful? Not only that, but...it hadn't been all that long since said friend and some people associated with him were rather critical of me for putting myself down.  So, I'm self-deprecating, yet...I'm problematically exhibiting pride? Those two seem to seriously contradict.

One of the things I have noticed about myself is that I tend to work in extremes.  I either adore something, or I despise it; I either do something too much, or don't do it enough; I either go too far, or don't go far enough.  In most cases, there's no middle ground, and that's true of my self-esteem.  Either I go around thinking I'm better than everyone else, or I think of myself in a negative way.  Since Proverbs 16:18 tells of the folly of pride, I choose the lesser of two evils, and have low self-esteem.  You may be quick to quote David's exclamation in Psalm 139:14, but, I counter with Paul calling himself "the worst" (NIV) of sinners in 1 Timothy 1:15.  Seriously, who would want to be known as "the worst of sinners"? Isn't that a rather negative thing to call yourself? Yet, the Apostle Paul did just that, because he wasn't going to sit there and act like his sinful past never happened.  It's the same way with me; I know most of you do things that I could never do.  Yes, I know; all it would take is practice, but, to succeed at pretty much anything, you have to have the willpower to keep at it...and, for most of what you all are talented at, I just don't.  Therefore, thinking of myself as a wonderful, amazing person just isn't right.  I may have my great tendencies, but, I can't gloss over or ignore my faults.

Is There ANY Future in the Past? Oh, Yes...And More Than You Might Think.

When I was in school, I always considered history my worst subject.  I just couldn't wrap my head around Jamestown, the Declaration of Independence, or the Civil War the way I could the nine planets, multiplication, or English grammar.  Sure, I was good enough at it to get honor roll almost every marking period of elementary school from third grade onward, and here and there in middle and high school, but history just wasn't my thing.  All of the high school students in my state have to take standardized tests on world geography, world history, and US history, along with English and various maths and sciences.  I ended up surprising even myself by doing better on the social studies ones than the ones on any other subject, save for the two English ones, on one of which I got the highest possible score.  To this day, I'm not sure how I did that, or even how I managed a grade higher than a "C" in fourth grade history class.  My mom and brother-in-law are both big fans of history--in fact, my brother-in-law studied it in college--which kind of puts me at odds with them.  Once, he and I were debating whether or not I should study history, and I quoted an old Vince Gill song in my defense: "There ain't no future in the past." He countered with an age-old George Santayana maxim: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." There was no way I could argue with that logic.

Even though social studies wasn't my best thing in school--well, okay, only in some ways!--my own past is one thing that I seem to know better than anybody else.  I often surprise people when I tell them of things that I saw them do and/or heard them say a while back; the responses I've gotten have ranged from the usual, "I don't remember that!", to even calling me "the one who remembers everything I ever did." (I'm not the only one who has ever had someone tell him that; see John 4:28-29 for proof.) Sometimes, people even don't believe me, saying that not only did what I spoke of not occur, it couldn't have, for whatever reason(s).  They don't seem to realize that, if I didn't know it to be true, I wouldn't say it.

You've probably noticed from my previous posts that I tend to look backwards to find the solutions to my problems.  Almost every time something happens, I'll say it's similar to something that happened in the past; it's to be expected from someone who can recall instances from years ago as clearly as if they happened last week.  My sister and I were meeting with someone back in 2003, and I brought up an instance that took place in 1999, to which my sister replied, "[Siobhan], I don't even remember that!" I quickly countered with, "I don't know how you can't; it wasn't even half a decade ago!" She and the individual whom we were meeting with laughed, but, to me, it wasn't a joke; the feelings I had about said instance when it happened didn't just remain with me for four years, but are still there today.  More recently, a Facebook friend had this to say:

I understand you have a great memory, and often look to the past for understanding and such, but I am blessed to not have a great memory and look only to the future.  I do not spend time on the past.  There is no point in looking on it, for there is nothing you can do about it.  So, though your posts are good, I cannot relate for that reason.  Sometimes, I feel sorry for you; that you cannot let go of the past and move on.

It's true that looking back on "the good old days" is unwise--Ecclesiastes 7:10 even says so!--but, it seems like I do it quite often, probably way too much.  If I'm going to spend time looking back--and we all know I will--then, the least I could do is apply that knowledge.  I can look back at what I and others did right, and emulate those actions; when I remember that someone--whether me, a family member, a friend, or even a famous person--messed up, I can ask myself, "Why did _____ mess up? What did _____ do wrong?" That can serve as what I call a Tim Taylor example: it shows me what not to do.  Not only have I had teachers show my entire class--or just tell us--the mistakes that previous students have made, but the Bible is full of mistakes of people just like us:

• Two people's desire for what they couldn't have brought sin into the world. (Genesis 3)
• The wisest earthly king who ever lived was led astray by a thousand women, and his mistakes led the nation he ruled astray. (1 Kings 3:3)
• A man promises his friend he will never betray him, only to do just that and not realize it until it's too late. (Matthew 26:69-75)

With the mistakes of anybody, we can't let them just be a simple story, and just say, "It happened." We must learn from those mistakes, as mentioned in the George Santayana quotation above: If we don't learn from history, we're doomed to repeat it.  It doesn't matter if it's Biblical history, family history, American history, world history, or our own personal history; if we don't learn from it, it's useless.  James 1:22-24 says, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." (NIV) The same is true of history of any kind; knowing what happened at a certain time and place doesn't do you any good if you don't understand the meaning.

...But In the End, You Could Not Deliver

More like Super Dull, from what I hear!

I'll be honest: I didn't watch the Super Bowl this year.  After my church's Super Bowl party was canceled--which I was going to attend--I had planned to watch some movies and/or read some books the night it was on, but, ended up calling it a night early; after eating dinner and doing a movie review, I hit the hay, and ended up being out of bed before 6 AM, over an hour before my iPod alarm was set to go off.  From what I hear, though, other than the cute puppy/pony commercial, I wasn't missing anything; the game was a shut-out, and, therefore, not all that exciting.  Sure, it was great that the Seattle Seahawks won the first Super Bowl they ever made it to, but who wants to sit through an insanely long game where one team is the obvious winner almost from the outset?

You may think that I'm going to scoff at you sports fans for eagerly anticipating a game that allegedly ended up being dull.  Various Super Bowls have had their missteps, from the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" to a certain singer forgetting the lyrics to the national anthem, but I understand that faithful fans will stick to your sport(s), team(s), and/or player(s) no matter what.  In fact, I think most people who have a vested interest in some sort of entertainment--whether it be sports, video/computer games, television shows, movies, books, or whatever else--will tell you of much-hyped entities that ended up being big disappointments to most fans.  An old gamer friend told me of the mess that was the video game Superman 64, and how the fact that developer Titus had promoted it heavily before it came out made gamers everywhere all the more upset.  Superhero fans will likely point to the example of Batman & Robin, the fourth movie in Tim Burton's film series about the Caped Crusader.  It actually was a financial success when it released--it made $42,872,605 in its first week--but theater attendance quickly dropped, because word got out about what dreck the movie really was.  I myself have been disappointed in various Disney Channel and Nickelodeon "big events," ranging from the iCarly/VICTORiOUS crossover "iParty with VICTORiOUS," which even featured All That's Kenan Thompson to You Wish!, a Disney Channel Original Movie that starred A.J. Trauth (Even Stevens) and Lalaine (Lizzie McGuire).  Though they garnered much hubbub, they ended up being big-time duds, and I likely won't be sitting through them ever again.  Even some regular episodes were terrible; one iCarly episode was mostly sans Carly--the title character!--and the "Brain Squeezers" episode of VICTORiOUS was just too weird to be funny.  Still, that didn't mean I gave up on the shows or their stars; it would take a big mess-up, like what they did on The X Factor this past season, to cause me to do that.  That right there is why I completely respect those who stay true to their favorite sport(s), team(s), or player(s), no matter what; I've done the same thing with my favorite shows over the years, despite their missteps!

Any comments?

Life, Love, and the Movies

This is part of the "Life, Love, and the Movies" blogathon, which you can find out more about by clicking on the image to the right. Anyway, here are my answers to their questions:

Life

1. What was the first movie you saw in the cinema and what do you remember about that visit?
The first movie I remember seeing in the theater was Dennis the Menace.  All I remember is the hilarious copy machine scene during the credits and that I had to go to the bathroom more than once during the film, much to my mom's chagrin.

2. Are there any movies you have very strong memories of which are not because of the movie (for example, something which happened at the time you were watching it)?
Yes, both in the cinema, at home, and elsewhere; that's what happens when you have strong memories about almost everything.  Probably the earliest case of that was back in 1995, when I went to see Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie with two friends of mine; we arrived at the theater late, which is the only time I've ever walked into a movie at a theater after it already started.  In 1997, there were two incidences I remember vividly, and both of them around the same time.  One was trying to watch Flubber at the theater, but my oldest sister--who was severely disabled, mind you--didn't do very well, and we never went to the theater after that; the other was going to see Home Alone 3 a theater an hour away because my brother-in-law had won tickets via a radio contest.  Later on, I remember trying to watch the first Harry Potter movie twice, but had to turn it off, because the scene where the face jumps out of the book scared the daylights out of my sister (yes, the same one I already mentioned).  She was also petrified by Jim Carrey's live-action Grinch and the toy soldiers in The Santa Clause 2.  When I went to see Attack of the Clones in IMAX, I lost concentration and missed part of it; to this day, I don't even remember what I was thinking that caused me to not see something on a mega-sized screen.  Probably the funniest memory was seeing Cheaper By the Dozen, and nearly falling in the floor laughing at the scene where all the dogs chase Ashton Kutcher's character because his underwear was soaked in meat.  My mom joked that she was going to do that to me, and leave me in the backyard with our dog.

3. Which movies had a big impact on you and changed a (small) part of your view on life?
The Star Wars movies woke me up to a whole part of entertainment and pop culture that I'd be missing otherwise.

4. Do you have any comfort movies which you return to because you are in a specific mood (for example if you are feeling down/nursing a heartbreak)?
Not really; when I'm down, I don't feel like doing much of anything.

5. If a movie would be made about your life, what type of movie would it be and who would you like to portray you?
It would definitely be a drama; there's many things about my life where there's nothing at which to laugh.  As for who would play me, I'm a bigger fan of actresses than actors, but, since I don't want a woman playing me, I'd say Ross Lynch, Kirk Cameron, Adam Lamberg, or Nathan Kress.

6. Which existing movie best represents you?
Inception.  I'm complicated, and sometimes insane, but people like me anyway.

7. If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would be the last movie you would want to see?
Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars.  It's my all-time favorite.

8. If you can spend your life working in the film industry, what would you be and why? (You know: Director, producer, actor, cinematographer, costume designer, sound designer, etc.?)
Definitely not an actor, as I've always been camera shy.  I'd like to be a writer; I have lots of ideas in my head that I'd love to see on a big screen featuring lovely Hollywood ladies such as Victoria Justice, Jennifer Stone, Demi Lovato, Andrea Logan White, Valerie Bertinelli... (I could name a hundred more!)

Love

1. Did you ever have a first kiss with someone while at the cinema and if so which movie was playing?
No. (That's all I'll say.)

2. What is your favorite movie relationship and why?
It might be more of a TV relationship, but, I'd say Lizzie and Gordo.  To have someone as your best friend for a long time, only for them to become your partner for life...what's sweeter than that?

3. When did your love for movies start and how has it grown?
Honestly, I used to not be much for movies; as a kid, I mostly spent my time with computer games and television shows.  However, Lizzie McGuire and Star Wars--what a combination!--woke me up to a whole world of entertainment, movies included, that I'd be missing otherwise.

4. If you have to choose one film to watch with your loved one, what would it be and why?
Any of the good Disney Channel movies, such as Brink!, Good Luck Charlie: It's Christmas!, Let It Shine, Lemonade Mouth, or, especially, Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars.  If she can't appreciate it...she and I are splitsville! (That's how important it is to me!)

5. If you can choose one character from a movie to be your significant other who would it be and why?
Lizzie McGuire, and not just because she was played by the über cute Hilary Duff.  I have always seen a lot of myself in Gordo, and, to have a supportive best friend like her as my mate for life...what could be better than that?

6. What was the first movie that made you fall in love with film and cinema?
Star Wars, as mentioned above.

7. How did your passion for movies turn you into a movie blogger?
Well, I'm more of an entertainment blogger than a "movie blogger," but...when Facebook added the now-defunct LivingSocial apps, I started posting reviews of books and movies...and people loved them.  After the shutdown of those apps, I tried others, but they just didn't work as well...so, I used my Blogger account to make an entertainment review blog, where I have reviewed plenty of movies, as well as books, TV seasons/volumes, and an album here and there.

8. What is your favorite date from a movie?
December 25! I like Christmas movies! (Hey, you said "date"!)

Supercharging My February

February is a unique month.  Not only does its number of days vary depending on what year it is, but is also the only month on the calendar to be less than thirty days in length.  People's opinions vary greatly; some people--like me--love it, while it is hated by others, such as Hadley, the protagonist/narrator in Mary Rodgers and Heather Hach's book Freaky Monday, a quasi-sequel to the book-turned-movie-series Freaky Friday.  How you feel about February probably depends on your past experiences with it.  I actually lost two family members during that second month--one last year, the other in 2005--but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want me to sit around and mope; they'd want me to be out living my life and blessing those I come into contact with while I still can.  There's plenty in February to celebrate, also; not only do we have Valentine's Day right in the middle, but the Super Bowl occurs the first Sunday of that month, and plenty of people have birthdays sometime during those mere four weeks...one of which is me. (Now you know why I love that month!)

However, I have decided that this February will be unlike any other February I've ever had.  Of course I'm still going to celebrate my birthday; that's not going to change.  What will change is that I'm going to get a lot more done in February than I do in a month's time, including the longer months.  That means applying some rules about things that are important to me.  What are my rules? I'll tell you:

• Continue following the One Year Bible plan, as I already have been doing.
   
• Watch at least one TV episode--whether streaming, on demand, via my DVR, on a DVD, or live--every day. (Watching two or more episodes in one day does not excuse me from watching one on the following days!)
  
• Read five books a week, every week. (If I don't complete the book, it doesn't count.)
  Watch three movies a week, every week. (Same rule applies: it doesn't count unless I complete it.)
   
• When I complete a book, movie, or season/volume of a TV show, I must post a review of it.
  
• Set my alarm clock for no later than 7:00 every day, whether I work or not.
   
• After the clock strikes noon, Facebook is off limits. (Unless I am asked to sign on or need to go on there for urgent reasons, that is.)

So, here's to a supercharged February! I look forward to sharing my accomplishments with you!

All That...And, For What?

In 1995, my life was changed forever when I got my first Mac as a gift for my seventh birthday.  Though it had its share of issues--as all pre-OS-X Macs did--it was mostly great for what I needed it for: homework, playing games, etc.  However, like most pieces of technology, it started to show its age after a while, and, in 1998, the printer we had gotten with it stopped working.  The tech specialist at my school said to re-install the printer driver, but it gave us an error message, so, we called a friend of ours who owned a Mac, and he spent a long time installing a system upgrade...but not only did it not take, he later discovered that there was a mechanical problem with the printer itself, and no software upgrade or re-installation would fix that.  I felt bad about it, especially since the guy was dead less than two years later because of pancreatic cancer; he wasted all that time and effort, and nobody benefited from it.

I bring that up for just one reason: You've probably noticed that, for quite a while, I've been adamant about how my shows, movies, music, and books are superior to most people's favorite pastime: sports.  You've probably seen some of the images, statuses, and posts that decry everything from the Super Bowl to the Olympics.  Even if I don't outright insult others who are participating, I'll proudly tell others that I'm watching a movie instead of the "big game," almost making myself sound superior because I'm not doing what "they" are.  Instead of trying to understand something that is quite important to millions of people across the country, I go off in a corner and look down on those who aren't doing what I'm doing, which is pretty much everybody.

You may ask: Why is that? What is the need for such a rivalry? Well, I admit that it's wrong--did you hear that?--but here's the reasoning behind it, anyway: Over the years, I have had people tell me that I shouldn't be watching the shows that I do or did.  It didn't seem to matter whether it was Austin & Ally, Mork & Mindy, or even Monk; somebody always had some problem with it, usually because it wasn't "normal".  It was the same way with video games, music, and even books.  It's one thing for somebody to say that he/she didn't like what I did; that was fine.  The problem was when people told me that it was wrong for me to be into whatever, and personally insulted me for it, usually desiring to take it away.  You may think that there weren't that many people who did that, and you'd be right; still, those who were of that opinion almost always couldn't keep their food holes shut about the matter.  Since they were quite insistent that I do what "everyone else" was doing--which, many times, involved watching or playing sports--I became just as insistent that I not do it, and criticized others who had such interests, whether or not they had any desire to replace what I liked to do with what I refused to do.  It infuriated me once when an older friend attempted to teach me how to throw a football; didn't he realize that all I wanted to do to that piece of pigskin was shove a sharp knife into it?  It also got to the point where I considered all sports fans to be fanatics; if you got upset when your team lost...well, that was just stupid.  Though I now realize how wrong it was, it would never have happened if it weren't for those few people--especially one in particular--who couldn't stop popping their chops.

Okay, so, now that I realize that there's no need for a rivalry between me and sports fans...what's to be done? I'm not going to start watching or caring about sports; why should I spend my time involved in or researching something about which I couldn't care less?  Still, one thing I do need to do is refrain from bashing sports or their fans; you all have just as much right to like the Philadelphia Eagles or the Houston Astros as I do to like Laura Marano and Kevin Max.  People generally don't like other people who have an air of superiority about them; to get the feeling that one feels he/she is better than you...well, nobody likes that.  If I don't like sports, that's fine; nobody is forcing me to participate in them.  Still, to think less of people because they do like them isn't good.

I want to make a few things very clear.  First off: My definition of "entertainment" probably isn't the same as yours.  For those who watch sports, they're a source of entertainment; if people didn't enjoy them, why would they be watching or participating in them? Yet, when I talk about "entertainment," it's just a shorter way of saying "books, music, movies, and television." My world geography teacher in high school regularly got irritated with TV news commentators because of their mispronunciations of geographical locations--i.e., pronouncing the Middle East nation of Qatar as "cutter" instead of "ka-tar"--and their misapplications of longitude and latitude, using numbers such as 35.6 North and 26.2 West instead of the proper measurements: degrees, then minutes, then seconds.  Despite that, she understood when reporters and other TV personalities referred to the nation of Bosnia and Herzegovina--one country, not two--as simply Bosnia, because she knew they were trying to refrain from getting tongue-tied.  It's the same with me: The term "entertainment" rolls off the tongue easier than saying "books, music, movies, and television," and it's also easier to type.  Sure, to the right people, sports are entertaining...but not only are they not to me, there are other types of entertainment besides them and books, music, movies, and television.  What about computer games? Video games? Stage plays? Live concerts? Certain websites? You might even know people who you'd consider entertaining, or have seen random people who entertained you in a train wreck kind of way.  Still, that's not what I mean by entertainment; I simply mean books, music, movies, and television.  If you bandied the names of such pastimes about as much as I do, you'd see why I do that.

Second off: Even if my true friends know why I don't do sports, and are completely okay with it, there will always be others who think it's just plain weird.  When I was in high school, I had a classmate who supposedly thought she was a vampire.  I never spoke a word to her--in fact, most of what I know about her came from my yearbooks--but, her purse was a coffin; she wore powder on her face; and, even her backpack was all black and had the word "SPOOKY" embroidered on it.  In the back one of those aforementioned yearbooks, someone--her parents, one would guess--did an ad dedicated to her that had a quotation, apparently from her, that talked about being original.  Of course, all of you who know me that I don't do vampires or spooky stuff; I was even hesitant to watch the Disney Channel series My Babysitter's a Vampire, because...well, you know.  Still, I mention her because it seems they way many people likely saw her is how some people see me: a freak, and I don't mean an "ardent enthusiast." I'm sure that many people talked about that girl behind her back, and said all kinds of ugly things; they're probably doing the same thing to me.  It's funny when you think about it: Most of the people who have unfriended me since I joined Facebook in September 2006 were people who didn't know me at all--or, at least, not that well--prior to joining my friend list.  I think it was because people just didn't expect to be bombarded with artwork, song parodies, and other posts about "abnormal" pastimes such as bargain hunting, libraries, and, yes, kiddie shows and movies.  They probably got weirded out, which is why they disappeared from my friends list; however, those who knew me completely understood it, and that's why they stayed aboard.  Of course, that's not true in every case, but it is in more than you'd believe; even if people didn't say they unfriended me because of what I was posting, it was still likely part of it.  I don't know if the sermon topic was just dull, or the preacher was having an off day, but, one Sunday several years ago, my brother-in-law mentioned on the way home from church services that people were falling asleep all around him during the sermon...but the preacher still had to keep going for those who were still listening.  It's the same with me: If folks choose to consider me a freak because of what I like, that's on them; I'll just keep going for the people who do still care about me.  I can't let the actions and words of a few unfortunate individuals ruin what I have with my many true friends.

Lastly: Whether it's sports, celebrities, or anything else, having an addiction is a problem.  In American society, sports fans are expected to do it up and do it big; you've probably seen people with automobiles, notebooks, tech gear, or other items decked out with logos and insignia of their favorite team(s)/player(s).  If you saw a car or truck with such decals, most of you would just think, "Well, that person's a big fan"...yet, if you saw the same vehicle with images and logos related to Demi Lovato, Bridgit Mendler, and Laura Marano, you'd automatically assume that the guy driving it is a weirdo, and not someone you'd want to be around.  Part of that is because the modern mentality assumes that, when a guy has a crush on a famous woman, all he wants to do is undress her and get in bed with her...but those of you who know me know I'm not that way at all.  That's one of the reasons why I choose the innocent, modest, morally decent girls; seriously, when was the last time you heard me talk about how much I like Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, or Christina Aguilera? I like the Disney girls because they're not sultry!  However, the bigger problem is that, because obsessing over sports has become socially acceptable, some people could be committing the sin of idolatry without even knowing it.  Don't think that I'm pointing fingers; I'm likely more guilty of that sin than any of you.  I spent years essentially bowing down at the altars of Pokémon, Hilary Duff, and the personal computer in general--that's not even half of my previous idols--and feel that it was a tremendous mistake.  Only those who know you inside and out can judge whether or not you currently have any idols, and I'm not going to make that judgment on anyone but myself.  Whether socially acceptable or not, being addicted to something--which is the same as idolizing it--is not okay to God, as I'm sure you all already know.

Patiently Waiting...Only to Be Disappointed

Of all the shows I've been a fan of over the years, few have had even close to as much influence on me as Growing Pains.  Though it may have aired its final episode when I was only four years old, reruns on the Disney Channel during the late 90's made me a die-hard fan of the show.  I even saw parts of myself in the three older kids--Mike, Carol, and Ben--and talked about the show to anyone who would listen, even driving my immediate family members nuts by rambling incessantly about it.  I originally became a fan of it back in 1997, but moved on from it in 1998 because I thought I'd seen all of the episodes; there was a resurgence of my fandom in 2002 thanks to reruns being on ABC Family, though that was short-lived, only because it got replaced with 7th Heaven, much to my chagrin.  In 2005, I received exciting news from TVShowsOnDVD.com: Growing Pains was going to be released on DVD.  It was actually quite odd: The first news of it came from a Dallas Cowboys website, where they talked about Alan Thicke visiting the team during training for the upcoming season, and made a passing reference to the show's upcoming release.  TVShowsOnDVD.com confirmed it with Warner Home Video, and, in February 2006, the first season was released on DVD.

As you'd expect, I got my hands on that season set as soon as I could...only to be disappointed in what I got.  Maybe the sitcom was undergoing its own growing pains, but the first season wasn't as innocent or as funny as I remembered it being on the Disney Channel.  That was likely because most of the ones I remembered them showing were ones much later in the series, but, I found it difficult to get through, and ended up trading it in to MovieStop when I was done.  I still kept tabs on the series, and figured Warner would release the later seasons soon after...but, when 2007, 2008, and 2009 came and went without any word, I doubted they'd release any further seasons.  I was actually a bit surprised when I came home from church one night in 2010 to an announcement that they were releasing the second season of GP...but I had still lost interest, and never put it on my Christmas lists or even attempted to purchase it on eBay after its release.  In 2012, Amazon's Video on Demand service made the two reunion movies available, and Warner themselves released the third season in 2013; still, I have my doubts that the studio will get around to releasing the remaining seasons--five in all--before the DVD ends up becoming obsolete, not that it matters much to me anyway, as I have moved on with my life.

Okay, so...what does all that have to do with anything? I'll tell you: You probably know that, for quite a while, I have been lamenting my lack of a relationship.  Most of you also likely know that many people around my age--including most of my friends--are already married or soon will be, which is a direct contrast to my lifelong single status.  People have suggested all kinds of things, but none of them brought any change on that front:

• One high school teacher told me that I'd likely find a date in college...but all of the friends I made there were guys! (Sounds unlike me, but it's true.)
• In order to encourage me to go to a school I didn't want to go to, a friend who was formerly in the military told me that she was hesitant to get deployed to Korea...but that was where she met her husband.  However, when I went to said school, though I made friends, most of them ended up unfriending me eventually, and one girl was making romantic advances on me, even though her Facebook clearly said she already had a significant other. (Even I knew that was a red flag!)
• When I lamented about the loss of my "best friend" Emily, another friend told me about a nearby church that had a small group for young adults, and I attended for a while...but, even though I made friends, a few of them unfriended me, and one who took a special liking to me now lives on the other side of the country, whereas the other one was already engaged before we met.  Not only that, but, my lack of a driver's license made it inconvenient for me to get there, so, I had to stop attending after a while.

Frankly, I'm doubting that a relationship is in my future; it seems to me that, just like the release of the entire series of Growing Pains, if it was going to happen, it would have done so by now.  So, that means that--for the time being, anyway--I'm going to be flying solo, though I have plenty of other people to help me out, such as those who are reading this.

However, there is another way to look at the analogy: It's obvious I waited for a while for Growing Pains to be released, right? Yet, I couldn't have been more disappointed in the first season! So, even if one day, I do end up in a relationship...who's to say I'll like it? When you think of a "bad" relationship, your mind probably immediately goes to one that is abusive or adulterous...but it can still be unenjoyable even if it's neither of those.  If both parties aren't enjoying the relationship, then, frankly, it shouldn't exist.

Regardless of all that, a life without romance is--for me, anyway--quite hard to accept.  You may think that's a product of Facebook, but, honestly, I first asked a girl out in 2003, before Zuckerberg's website even existed.  Sure, when I think about it, I can think of all sorts of advantages of being single: being able to have more female friends, not having someone tag along with me everywhere, not worrying about making anyone jealous when I interact with random ladies, the freedom to do what I want whenever I want without worrying about how someone else feels, etc.  Still, I think it's partly because of the well-meaning words of friends and other encouragers.  Many times--even going back to high school--I was told that I definitely would have a significant other at some point.  One girl even told me that just after rejecting me.  Another friend said, "You deserve a great girl, and I promise that one day you'll have one!" There's plenty more of that where those came from...but, they all turned up for naught, as every girl I asked out rejected me, and the ones who took a liking to me had some reason why I couldn't date them: they were already taken, their religious beliefs contradicted mine, there was too much physical distance between us, or, they just weren't interested.  Honestly, I think those "encouraging words" ended up being harmful, as they ended up giving me hope for something that likely isn't going to happen.

What I wonder is: Why am I focusing on this? There was a time--okay, back in high school, but it still happened--when I didn't need a relationship to be happy; if I spent most evenings with the television set and my computer as my sole companions, that was fine.  Sure, I knew that there were friends of mine who went out and did things with each other, and that I wasn't invited, but I didn't let it get to me; I just stayed home and watched the Disney Channel without any qualms.  Where is that now? What happened to that? My mom said it this way: "You used to be fine doing your own thing; now, you're obsessed with getting other people's opinions about what you're doing." What changed? Why am I sitting around wanting to do what others are doing, instead of doing what I myself want to do? Honestly, I'm not sure.

I have a few points I would like to make.  First off: I know that change won't happen instantly...but I don't want to tune out my future.  When I get to a point where I desire change, I usually respond by sitting down and watching the Disney Channel, or reading a book, or doing another one of my favorite pastimes instead of something that would bring about change.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm just "tuning out" my future...but, if no opportunities to make big changes in my life are present at the moment, what am I supposed to do? That doesn't mean that I should refuse opportunities to bring about change if they do come along...but they don't grow on trees, if you know what I mean.

Second off: I think some of you have the wrong idea about the whole celebrity crush deal. When I first started crushing on celebrities that were relatively coeval to me, it's true that I actually wanted to date and marry them.  I told anyone who would listen that I was going to marry Hilary Duff one day...but, I ended up realizing that was folly.  It ended up becoming just something to tide me over until I actually found a significant other, much like one would eat a light snack, such as cheese and crackers, to satiate his/her hunger before consuming a full square meal.  Unfortunately, that period ended up lasting a long time, as it has been well over a decade since the whole thing started, and there's been no dates for me in sight.  Whether the whole celebrity crush thing is still going, however, is subject to interpretation.

That said, however, I do realize that obsessing over famous people was likely not the answer to my problem.  Some years ago, on the dc Talk message board I've mentioned previously, I told everyone on there that I was giving up the celebrity crushes.  I even took their advice and deleted all the pictures of Anne Hathaway and friends from my hard drive.  They told me that, even if the girl I was trying to pursue rejected me, I still didn't need a bunch of famous young ladies; what I needed was to spend time getting closer to God, and becoming more ready to be in a relationship, should one come along.  Unfortunately, I felt they didn't know what they were talking about, and, when I got rejected, I went on a quest to find all the photos I'd previously deleted.  My problem was--and still is--that I didn't--and still don't--understand what they meant by "getting closer to God and being more ready to be in a relationship".  Sure, I believe in God, and I'm much better versed in the Word than I was during my school years...but I still don't feel that peace that such faith seems to bring to millions of others worldwide.  Even reading the Bible every day for over two years hasn't changed much.  Inner peace, it would seem, is just another abstract human concept which I will never understand.

Third off: Right now, I shouldn't be pursuing a relationship anyway. When I was a sophomore in high school, my English teacher wanted to show us a video of Julius Caesar, which we were studying at the time...but there were some technical issues with the tape.  In an attempt to fix it, he turned the closed captioning on, which did absolutely nothing to stop the skipping.  To this day, I'm not really sure why he thought turning the "CC" mode on would fix anything; if the tape was messed up, the captions would be, too.  He needed to either get a new copy of the movie, or try it on another VCR.  I bring that up for one reason: With all the problems I have, adding a significant other to the mix would be just like turning the closed captions on helped that Shakespeare videotape: no help at all.  My aforementioned former "best friend" Emily was once in a relationship with a guy who was constantly down in the dumps, and she confessed to me that she spent much of her life savings buying him things to make him happy, before realizing the relationship was headed nowhere and calling it quits.  The last thing I need is to foul up some young lady's life by dating her when I myself am chronically unhappy; until I get my own issues worked out--which could take a while--I need to not worry about dating.

My last point before my conclusion: Though I understand--and will hopefully soon accept--my lack of a relationship, I still fear loneliness.  Since graduating from high school in 2006, I have lost--or lost contact with--friends of all ages, as well as extended family members whom I loved like friends.  Though some of that may have been a product of unfriending, quite of few of those folks died, left Facebook, or moved away without any way for me to keep in contact with them.  Even for those friends who do have Facebook and didn't unfriend me, talking through instant messages or over the phone just isn't the same as face-to-face conversation.  Some of you may be quick to mention video chat, but, not only will no one do that with me--and you have no idea what a blow to my self-esteem that is!--you also can't hug someone, or shake his/her hand, or pat him/her on the back with such technology.  When it comes to those people who I do see face to face, there likely will come a time when I won't anymore.  Many of the people I talk to regularly at church are much older than me, ranging from a few years difference to old enough to be my grandparents.  Though there's nothing wrong with having a diverse set of friends--I like it that way!--they're not getting any younger, and they could easily pass away or leave town, no matter how old they are or their claims to the contrary.  The area in which I live in is very military-heavy, which means that many people--including at my church--live here for a mere few years, and then move on to another location, sometimes outside of the country.  Even those who aren't military end up leaving quite quickly at times; the young couple who hosted the high school group at my old church moved to this area in 2003, and, at one of the meetings, I made a passing reference to the fact that they'd likely be moving soon, because everybody at that church did.  One of them said, "We're not military; you're going to be dealing with us for quite a while,"...but, they went back to their home state in 2007.  Whether by death, relocation, or other circumstances, I don't want to lose my friends.  Even in the past few years, friends have invited me to social events, made me crafts, given me special birthday gifts and greetings, etc., and, for that, I salute them; still, there's the nagging feeling that, at any time, it could end, even by circumstances that are outside my control.

All right, here's my short conclusion: In order to deal with this chronic unhappiness and frustration, my psychologist is trying me on a different dosage of my medication.  If you don't mind, pray that it will be for the better.  Now, I'm done.