Who Am I? You Sure You Want to Know?

Fans of superhero flicks will likely recognize the title as the opening line to the very first Spider-Man movie, but, asking yourself who you are is a very valid question.  Are you who you want to be? Do you like who you are? Do you have achievements of which to be proud, or are they overshadowed by your mistakes? I know who I am, and it turns out I'm many things...all at once: a Christian, a library employee, a bookworm, a Disney Channel fan, a Republican, a calendar lover, a bargain hunter, a geek of sorts, a comic book reader, a fan of Apple products, a writer, a blogger, a chatterbox...and plenty more! Of course, if you're among my friends, you already knew all of that.  Those who truly know me--among whom are probably most of the people reading this--know what I like, what I don't like, and why...and they respect it. They know there's nobody else like me, but they love me all the more for it.

Unfortunately, some people have problems with my unique traits...and they kind of always have.  When I was in kindergarten, it became obvious from the get-go that I was the smartest one in the class.  I could read very well and do basic addition and subtraction...whereas my classmates didn't even know their numbers or letters.  My teacher that year told my mom during a conference, "I just don't know what to do with him," and that was one of the things that made my first year of school rather tough.  Since then, countless other people have done the same; it's telling when they unfriend you on Facebook for no apparent reason or keep your friend request pending despite claiming they'll eventually confirm it...yet, it was happening well before the dawn of social networking.  While the ages of such folks vary, it's often been people my own age or younger, no matter what age I was.  Some people just couldn't deal with my different ways, and decided to jump ship as a result.

If you're reading this, though, you're probably not among those people.  You've stuck with me for quite a while, maybe even my whole life.  I'm thankful for people like you, and it saddens me that others couldn't do the same.  As I make new friends, I hope they'll stick around like you have...but, I can't be certain; they could be gone before I even know it.

One of the things that I would hope anyone who cares about me would do is respect my tastes.  You all know what I can't stand: dogs, theme parks, sports, anything to do with large bodies of water, etc.  You also know that I have numerous reasons for not getting my driver's license or seeking out a relationship; if you don't, you should read up on me by checking some of the other most recent posts on this blog.  While some would think less of me for not doing those things because "everyone else" seems to be doing them, if you know me, you know that I'm not one to do the popular thing, and trying to get me to will get you nowhere.

Despite that, though, some people over the years have been infuriatingly insistent that I do what they knew very well was contrary to my tastes.  Back in 2004, the high school youth group at the church I was attending took a trip to the beach...which turned into a big fiasco because nobody else involved wanted to accept the fact that I wasn't interested.  When I shared my reasons for not being willing to attend, everything I said was laughed at or refuted.  I was trying to help them out by not going, because I remembered a couple of Cub Scout outings that were ruined because of one person not wanting to be there, but, my fellow youth group members never seemed to realize that, nor did the sponsors; even the youth leader discussed with me about the concept of going to an outing for the sake of someone else, not considering the fact that, to me, anything involving a large body of water, including a beach, is an earthly hell.  It wasn't just them; a teacher at my high school was bound and determined to get me to go to Busch Gardens, even though I had made it perfectly clear I wasn't interested.  She simply found it unthinkable that I didn't like theme parks...but, that's no different from someone not liking the Disney Channel; we all have our likes and our dislikes.

Though it's been a while since I've faced that, I know I will likely see it again and again...and again.  Most people just aren't used to dealing with people like me; some have known me a while, and yet don't know me at all.  While I'm open to suggestions about things to try, what people have to realize is that what I do is still my decision.  Most of you probably already know this, but, I'm sharing this for those who don't: I grew up with an older sister who had severe cerebral palsy and wasn't able to do much of anything, including walk, talk, or hear.  Having an immediate family member like her put us in some unique situations, which people on the outside didn't quite understand.  My mom had such trouble finding someone to take care of my sister that she had no choice but to open up a day care center in her house...but, people were still showing their lack of understanding of our situation by asking questions such as, "Why don't you go get a job as a substitute nurse?" Sometimes, however, there were suggestions that my mom could have acted on, but she didn't.  Many years ago, a "friend" (notice the quotes?) of my mom's found out that my other sister--who was not disabled in any way--had been taught how to change my disabled sister's diaper, but that my mom wouldn't allow me to do it...and spent about thirty minutes haranguing my poor mother as a result, accusing her of sexism and playing favorites.  After that half-hour lambasting session, my mom could have immediately decided to do as her "friend" suggested...but she didn't; regardless of anyone else's opinion or how adamant he/she was about it, it was solely up to my mom, and, to this day, I still say she made the right decision on that front.

Though said disabled sibling has been deceased for just over a decade, I still find myself in similar scenarios.  People just can't understand why I love the Disney Channel as much as I do, or why bargain hunting is a favorite pastime, or how I could have avoided Busch Gardens for over 1.5 decades when it's practically in my own backyard.  Whether or not they agree with my reasoning, I expect those who respect me to also respect my tastes...but, just like in the aforementioned situation with my mom, plenty of people don't, including those who are supposed to be my friends.  To be honest, it makes me question their friendship; do I really need such negativity in my life?

In conclusion, I will say this: Though many of us grew up hearing that everyone is special and unique, some people argue that if everyone is unique, then no one is.  While God made everyone different, he made some people more different than others...and I am one of those people.  You can love me for it and be my friend, or despise me for it and be my enemy; it's your choice.  Just don't do something you'll regret one day.

Two Different Issues...One Big Reason Why: An Addendum

About two months ago, I did a post on driving and relationships, and how, with me, they have a lot in common.  Since then, some thoughts on those same topics have been bouncing around in my head, and it's time I got them out.  I started this while on Facebook hiatus; it has taken me a while to finish it...which may be a good thing.

Since I've already done my opening arguments in the previous post, let's get right to the main points.  First off: It's not that I don't like the thought of driving or being in a relationship; it's actually that I like it a little too much.  If you went to a traditional high school--or even if you didn't--you likely studied Dante's Inferno, an epic poem about a journey through seven circles of hell.  It actually is the first of a trilogy of sorts titled The Divine Comedy; after Dante's trip through hell, he also journeys through purgatory and eventually heaven to be reunited with his one true love.  At my high school, all sophomore honors English students were required to study Inferno, in all its brutality.  The teacher I had was fascinated by it; he said he had read the sequels, and found them to be "very boring".  While nobody had an issue with his treatment of that seriously long poem, another English teacher was notorious for being obsessed with it.  She had other issues as well--she reportedly made the students take notes and tests on the morning and afternoon announcements--but, even on RateMyTeachers.com, a random commentator said, "She's [sic] obsessed with dark, depressing subjects." While it was okay to find something interesting, the problem was that she liked an epic poem all about pain and suffering entirely too much.

Most of you reading this know that I used to be notorious for being obsessed with whatever; everything from shows to comic strips to video games to celebrities to even a real-life crush.  While it was fine that I liked those entities, it disturbed people that I liked them too much, and tended to bandy about the names of my favorite fictional characters or famous people as if they were my best friends.  I've never been obsessed with something as dark as Dante's Inferno--in fact, most of my obsessions have been rather cutesy and happy--but, it bothered people because I just didn't know when to quit.  Even when it came to people I actually knew, I tended to force myself on them; I remember one time a friend in fifth grade asked me to refrain from sitting with him, because I had simply been following him around too much.  Another time, my mom restricted me from going over to my friends' house one day--which was something I did every day--and I was none too happy about it; I begged her to let me go, saying, "I'll do anything!", to which she simply replied, "The only thing you can do is not go."  It took me years to understand that my constant presence at my friends' house was probably driving them and their parents crazy, especially since some others seemed to think that I was only friends with them because of their Nintendo 64.  Whatever the case, the fact that I liked whoever or whatever too much was disturbing to others.

People who have encouraged me to attempt driving and/or dating have mentioned the benefits: having my own transportation with the former, and having companionship and someone to come home to with the latter.  However, the problem there is: If I had those privileges, I would take them entirely too far.  If I had my own car, I'd drive to every single garage sale, used bookstore, fast food joint, thrift shop, library sale, etc., I wanted, and spend too much money, especially when you factor in gas prices and vehicle upkeep.  My parents have enough issues with me spending money like crazy as it is; can you imagine if I could get to my favorite stores and the bank any time I wanted? When it comes to relationships, while most people want someone to love, they don't want someone who is going to smother them and constantly obsess over them; that could be grounds for a breakup, even after marriage.  Most of you reading this are married, and have been for a while...but, is your spouse all you talk about? Didn't think so.

Second off: I have a serious issue with lack of focus...and not just when it comes to the task at hand.  In recent years, much discussion has been made about distracted driving; the "W82TXT" campaign has started in an effort to save lives.  While I agree that texting while driving is a big risk, other things could be just as distracting: the radio, your kid screaming in the backseat because he wants to go to McDonald's, or even a preoccupation over something that happened earlier in the day.  Those can cause accidents even when you're not behind the wheel; a month or two ago, I tripped and fell while walking into the library where I work because I was too focused on getting online when I got inside and not paying attention to where I was going.  I ended up busting the knee of my pants, and had to go home and change clothes; thank goodness I got there early.  As easily distracted as I am--remember, I got distracted by my own thoughts while watching Attack of the Clones...in IMAX!--I just don't belong behind the wheel; who knows what could happen if I lost focus at the wrong moment?

It's a different sort of focus issue when it comes to relationships: For you married folks who are reading this, I'm sure you'd say that your spouse is more important to you than any other human being other than Jesus.  While you have other people whom you care about--and if I'm not one of them, I'm not sure why you're reading this, unless you're a random Internet user--your spouse is simply irreplaceable; there's no one else like him/her, and there never will be...because he/she is yours, and will be for the rest of your life.  My problem is: I can't say something of mine is better just because it's mine.  I never was much for school spirit because I could never see what made my school better than the other schools out there.  During my first year at my second elementary school, it won the "prestigious" Blue Ribbon award...and I was infuriated; that school was no better than my first elementary school! It's the same with friends: I have plenty of them, and some are better than others...but, I don't exactly have a best friend; the last person who I bestowed that title upon couldn't figure why she even deserved it, which proves that I don't even know what makes someone my best friend.  My understanding of relationship rules is: When you're "going steady" with someone, you don't hang out with people of the opposite gender...but, I can't refrain from doing that; most of my best friends are women, and that's probably never going to change.  As weird and wrong as it may sound, I can't stick to just one woman...and that's exactly what marriage would require of me.  If some girl saw me talking to every woman I saw at church, that would likely be a major turn-off.

Third off: Both driving and relationships tend to bring out the worst in people...which is something I can't deal with.  You probably know that I've struggled to get along with numerous people over the years, especially my immediate family members.  It's not really their fault, though; when you're dealing with someone close to you, you're going to see them at their best as well as at their absolute worst.  While I would hope for a mate that would be able to properly handle me during my low points--which happen all the time--I don't know if I could do the same, because others' negative moments tend to stick with me.  For a few days, I've been haunted by something someone said--it's so ugly, I won't repeat it here--all the way back in 2003.  I haven't even seen the guy who said it in ages, which is a good thing; he was no friend of mine.  That likely will pass...and be replaced by something else someone shouldn't have said to me at some point in my life; maybe last week, maybe 1995.  While I'm not going to bash the person online publicly or even privately for what he did, it's still haunting me.  When you live with someone--i.e., a spouse--that's all the more chance that he/she could say something ugly to you, especially if he/she is tired, in a bad mood, or whatever.

It's kind of the same with driving: Most of you reading this are Christians, so, I'd think you wouldn't willingly and knowingly break the law...yet, people get tickets for speeding, running red lights, etc., all the time.  Some people can be total jerks behind the wheel...which plants seeds of rage in normally good people.  I, for one, don't want to deal with other drivers flipping me off or honking at me for no reason; with my memory, it would still be haunting me five years from now.

Fourth off: If I'm not ready for driving or a relationship now--which is definitely the case, as far as I'm concerned--I probably never will be.  All the way back in 1999, my neighborhood friends were all about seeing Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace in theaters.  Those friends moved later that year, and I didn't see it until spring of 2000...on video, no less.  Around Christmas 2002, I was talking with one of those friends on the phone, and telling him about a Star Wars game I had recently gotten for my Super Nintendo...but he didn't want to hear about it.  He told me he and his brothers--who were also my friends--didn't like it anymore; his exact words were, "We grew out of it!" While that may be the case for many kids, it was never that way with me.  Aside from one computer game that had some moral issues, I still view many of my former favorite entertainment entities--even ones that weren't exactly "obsessions," such as Wheel 2000 or Judy Blume's Fudge series--in an at least somewhat positive light.  Some of them I used to say I despised, but, that was usually because of a bad memory associated with it: thinking it was real and being made fun of as a result, a dumb crush on one of the stars who was washed up by that point, etc.  When it comes to the show, game, book, comic, etc., itself, though, I still like it...and, in most cases, I still consume it.  I got into Scooby-Doo just before I finished fourth grade, a whopping seventeen years ago...yet, I've watched several episodes of it just this year alone.  I've also considered checking out or buying DVDs or iTunes volumes of my old-school favorites: Pokémon, Lizzie McGuire, etc.  I probably will always enjoy them.

What's my point there? Simply this: Despite some changes in recent years, I'm still largely the same I've always been...which makes driving or a relationship not an option.  Some would say that it could be an option in the future...but, by now, I'm doubting it.  If I'm still largely a kid at the age of twenty-seven, I doubt I will ever be able to be adult in my thinking, no matter how hard I try; you can't force me to act my age any more than you can force an elementary school kid to act like he is my age.

I've talked about "Mrs. Russo," my junior English teacher, before on here.  Here's another part of her story I haven't shared in a while: Despite her impact on my life, she was only a teacher for one year.  Though I'm sure she had more than one reason for leaving that soon, she told our class that she was jumping ship because she didn't like that one thing that comes with being a teacher: When you get home...your job is not done! That's especially true when you're teaching Honors English like Mrs. Russo did; she told us that she started grading our essays on The Great Gatsby at 4:30...only for it to be 10:30, and she still wasn't finished.  I can't say I blame her; one of the things I like about my job is that, when I'm off work, I can do pretty much whatever I want.  Of course, I can't do anything that would besmirch the name of the library system, but, still: I can shop wherever, I can watch whatever, I can eat out if I want...and, I don't have to worry about work until it's time to be there.  Still, that's not the way it works in a relationship.  From my understanding of the way relationships work, you don't have time while in one, especially during the dating phase, for "trivial" matters such as television or reading books.  However, to me, those activities aren't just hobbies; they're very influential, and very important to me.  If anyone--a significant other or anyone else--were to get in the way of them, I would definitely be unhappy; you just don't get between me and my favorite activities, just like you don't get between rabid sports fans and Monday Night Football.

My final point: I'm simply too impatient--or maybe too stubborn--for a relationship or driving to work.  On my first Mac, I had all sorts of fun features--known as extensions and control panels--installed; they did everything from color the menus to make Oscar the Grouch come out every time you emptied the Trash.  Usually, all you had to do to get it to work was copy the file to the right folder and restart; two simple steps that could cause dramatic changes.  Even now, most installations on my Mac don't take that long...but the changes they bring are huge! Unfortunately, you don't go from dating to marriage or novice driver to the next Dale Earnhardt in all of fifteen minutes; with either topic, it takes time for things to progress.  Unfortunately, if I don't see results immediately, I'm tempted to jump ship quickly...because, if nothing happens at first, I begin to doubt anything ever will.

Some years ago, I had an older friend tell me that the quickest end to a relationship she ever had was when a guy proposed to her on the third date.  While many of you would agree that is taking things too quickly, for me, that isn't quick enough.  I've never liked the thought of dating; I had a discussion with a friend earlier today about how I don't like terms such as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", and she agreed.  (Before you ask: There's nothing going on between us; we're just friends, and we're staying that way.  If you knew her, you'd know why.)  When my mom and my (step)dad were dating, I was hesitant to refer to him as my mom's boyfriend...because the term was repugnant to me.  You might have noticed that, in other posts, I've used terms such as "significant other" or "beau," which has caused me to endure some criticism.  Even one post that I made while positively furious still kept to that rule.  I don't want a girlfriend; I want a wife...and only a wife.  Unfortunately, it seems you just can't have one without the other.

Two Different Issues...One Big Reason Why

There is something that I've been debating about doing for a while.  Many of my friends have done it, and some have had success, whereas others have suffered tragedy as a result of it.  In the past, I've taken steps towards it...but, there always seemed to be hindrances of some sort, such as those who could help me do it not being able to for any number of reasons.  At one point, I was completely happy without this thing...but, eventually, peer pressure caused me to give in, if only because I thought I needed it; now, however, I'm not all that sure that's true, if only because I've known people without it who are doing just fine nonetheless.  Some people would call me a "loser" or a "wimp" because I refuse to subscribe to the mass mentality that would tell me that I need it, but I know it's for the greater good that I don't bother with it, because of the potential problems it could cause not only myself, but others as well.

Okay, now that you've read that, take a guess: What is the "it" I'm speaking of? I'll give you a hint: It has nothing to do with entertainment.  Do you know now? You're probably thinking it's either driving or being in a relationship...and, you're right; it's both.  Believe it or not, my views on myself operating a motor vehicle are quite similar to my views about myself getting married one day.  Though I've debated about these issues for years, I now realize that the fact I can't seem to get involved in them is because of divine intervention; God is keeping me from doing what everybody and their mother seems to think I should have done a long time ago.

As usual, I'll explain with a few different points.  First off: Nobody has the right to do absolutely anything they want! When I was in school, we had to get a form signed that allowed us to use the Internet on the school's computers, and one of the statements it made was, "Usage of the Internet is a privilege and not a right." I could say the same thing about driving or being in a relationship.  As a bonus page in an old teen Bible of mine said, "At age 16 [sic], most kids feel it's their God-given right to buckle up, start the engine and cruise the planet.  From somewhere deep within, they discover the drive to drive." However, just because you want to do something doesn't mean you should.  How often do we hear about fatal automobile accidents? I understand that accidents of any kind happen to everyone, but, some people just shouldn't be allowed to operate a motor vehicle...yet, they are, and lives have been lost as a result.

That aforementioned Bible page used driving as an analogy for sex, and compared getting a driver's license to a marriage license...but, just like operating a motor vehicle, sex and relationships in general aren't for everyone either.  Today's culture is so saturated with sex, you can hardly shop anywhere without seeing a magazine, DVD cover, or poster that doesn't objectify a human being, usually a woman.  Christians know that sex is only for married people; as an old children's Bible described the seventh commandment, "Keep your actions and thoughts pure.  Sex is God's gift to married couples." While I agree with that statement, I also think that people everywhere--including Christians--are desiring sex because of what they see in the media; how many times have we seen movies, television shows, and books that glorify tawdry affairs? Abstinence advocates will tell you that if you wait to have sex, it's a blast...but, I once saw an article in Christianity Today that argued that such indoctrination has led to divorces among Christians; when they discover that sex with their spouse isn't "all that and a bag of chips," it causes a rift between them that often leads to divorce.  I know that all of us have a "sex drive," but we also have a desire for revenge, and that's always wrong to act on (Romans 12:19).

Just like with driving, there are plenty of people who are or have been married but shouldn't have been...and they didn't or won't realize it until it was or is too late.  While some of my friends are still happily married, some others probably consider saying, "I do," to be the biggest mistake they've ever made, or will eventually do just that.  I'm reminded of an incident that happened back in 2004, when I was complaining about what I had to do during a summer school P.E. class.  My teacher was reprimanding me, saying, "You signed up for this class!"...but, I actually didn't.  I needed to get a class out of the way to prepare for the next school year, but I had wanted to take chemistry instead...yet, the lead special education teacher told me it wasn't available, which I later found out was a lie.  I tried telling that P.E. instructor that I was lied to; I don't know if she believed me, but, regardless of what she thought, it was not my choice to be in that class.  That summer was easily the worst one I ever had, and that stupid class was a big part of the reason why.  However, when it comes to marriage these days, no one is forcing people to say, "I do"; they do it when they choose, with whom they choose.  I know many cases of divorce are because of adultery and/or abuse...but, that's still a problem; seriously, if you can't stay true to your spouse and treat him/her with respect, why even bother getting married in the first place? Such incidents are so commonplace that it makes me afraid to even go on a date; seriously, why would I want to bother with something that was seemingly doomed from the start with way too many of my friends and family members?

Second off: The system has failed everyone! I once saw a walkthrough for an old-school computer game that said, "The game doesn't check that you SHOULD know the answers, only that you DO know the answers. [...] Consequently, the walkthrough can be EXTREMELY brief." That actually mirrors a big problem with today's education system: It focuses too much on standardized testing and not enough on actually applying the knowledge.  Sure, pretty much anybody can fill in the right bubbles on a test sheet...but, can they put what they've learned to good use? While pretty much every system--not just education--has failed people left and right, no one feels it more than millenials, aka people of my generation.  People my age were told to go to college and get a degree in order to get a high-paying job someday...only to graduate and find nothing of the sort, having to take a "McJob" just to pay the bills.  They also didn't seem to learn very much in school; I've heard that most high schoolers graduate with only a sixth grade education.  That's why many parents are pulling their kids out of the public schools, and either putting them in private schools or homeschooling them; honestly, I can't say I blame them.

More to the point: Too many "professionals" have no clue what they're doing.  I've sat in many a doctor's office only to be told something absolutely ridiculous; seriously, if they can't come up with a diagnosis easily found on Google, how did they even graduate from medical school?  It's the same with pretty much any profession; even many high-paid Hollywood actors and actresses often deliver notoriously wooden performances.  It's just saddening when you think about it; if people can't do what they're supposed to do, why on earth are we paying them? Even if they have the training, it's not worth anything if they don't utilize it correctly.

For a while, I've been afraid to pursue a driver's license because I'm afraid I'll be allowed to pass when I really shouldn't be.  You may say that couldn't happen, but, just look at what I said above; have you never been done wrong by a supposed trained professional? The same is true of marriage: I could get married, and all my friends could approve of what I was doing...but, it could still end in disaster.  I've seen too many people who went from gushing about their significant other to despising him/her.  True, that's a Facebook thing, but, I'm sure it's been happening since well before social networking; you just don't know what happens behind closed doors.  In either case, it would be a mistake from which I'd never recover.

Third off: I don't even understand the principles behind those things! Most of you know that, just before my senior year ended, I confessed to my crush how I felt about her, and that she told me she wasn't interested in dating.  What you probably don't know is what was going through my mind when she said that: "Dating?!! Who said anything about dating??!" I don't know exactly what I was picturing in my mind, but, it definitely wasn't dating; I think it was more hanging out together and eventually getting married.  Some would say that isn't how it works...but some people have been married to someone for a long time whom they never dated.  The rules of dating and relationships are sketchy, and there seems to be no constant; what some people would tell you that you just "have" to do, other people would staunchly disagree.  While Christians would tell you not to engage in sexual activity before marriage, there are plenty of other things to worry about: How long should the guy wait before he proposes...or should the guy even be the one to propose? How long should the engagement be? Should you try to be friends before you date, or should you leap right into the relationship? The answers to those questions depend on who you ask.

The same is true with driving: While behind the wheel, you're bound to encounter some strange things.  My parents are both good drivers, but they've had to do some extreme maneuvers because of other people on the road who seem to have gotten their license from Toys "R" Us.  While behind the wheel training is helpful, there are some occurrences that no Driver's Ed class can prepare you for; they're just snap decisions that you have to make without even thinking about them.  Unfortunately, when it comes to split-second decisions, I tend to do the wrong thing...and, behind the wheel, the consequences could be deadly.

Fourth off: What's a kid like me need to be driving or dating for anyway? This is purely hypothetical, because I don't think anyone would bother with this: If someone who didn't know anything about me came in my room and tried to guess who it belonged to, I guarantee they'd come up with the wrong idea.  The Disney Channel calendars and posters would probably make them think it belonged to a ten-year-old.  I know most of you wouldn't trust a fifth grader behind the wheel, and nobody takes elementary school relationships seriously...yet, it seems that is where I am in many respects.  Though I have progressed on some fronts, I'm still very much a kid...and probably always will be.  Seriously, would you want an eleven-year-old as your significant other or chauffeur? Didn't think so.

My last point before my conclusion: If I were to achieve those things at some point in my life...wouldn't I have done so by now? I once saw a saying on a female friend's Facebook profile that said, "Guys' rejection is God's protection." I'm sure most of you would agree that goes the other way as well...but, I believe it applies to more than just relationships.  When I played Pokémon Red, which was kind of my introduction to video games, I was surprised at how the makers put hints and tips in various parts of the game, including some that weren't even in the official Nintendo Power player's guide.  For a long time, I've believed God does the same thing: He tells you what to do; not just through the Bible, but through events that others would believe happen only by chance.  When it comes to dating, I've been hindered several times, from rejection of dating offers from female friends to being "set up" with a woman with whom I had absolutely nothing in common.  The same is true of driving; from inadvertently failing the driver's test twice to an allegedly great driving instructor telling me he couldn't give me lessons because of a new law that didn't turn up in online research or even make much sense, I've been hindered more than once.  I've ignored divine hindrance before, and paid the price for it; I once was writing a Facebook message to someone that I knew I wasn't supposed to write...when my iPad crashed in the middle of it.  I kind of knew the reason why that happened, but, I pressed on and ended up sending it...and I regret it to this day.  I know everyone wants me to drive and get married someday, but, who knows better: God, or mere mortals? The best intentions in the world aren't going to save me from a vehicular accident or serious heartbreak.  Just like before, I think it would be wise to heed God's guidance; after all, I've had my doubts about both of those things since the beginning.

In conclusion, I will say this: I tend to wear my preferences on my sleeve; in fact, I kind of always have.  Unless you've never met me, I imagine all of you reading this know that I love the Disney Channel and despise sports; that wouldn't even be news those who don't like me.  It's more than just about entertainment, though; when I staunchly refused to get my driver's license in years past, everyone knew about it...and they debated it with me left and right.  Well, in all honesty, I'm tired of the debating.  This is not the first time I've explained why I choose to not date or not drive; you've seen it multiple times before.  You don't have to agree with it, but, I do ask that, as my friends, you respect it, not turn it into a point of contention.  The various debates I had on this topic in years past got me and the opposing parties nowhere; I wasn't convinced of their opinion, and vice versa.

Most of you have things you wear on your sleeves, too, such as your favorite sports team or your beloved pets.  I'm not knocking that; I would never unfriend you for posts on those topics.  What I ask is that you do the same for me.  Some people just don't have what it takes to be friends with me; I've been unfriended countless times, usually by people who didn't know me all that well pre-Facebook.  I'd say it takes a special person to be my friend...but, I think you already knew that.  Much like a canine devotee would say, "Love me; love my dogs!", I would say that, if you don't respect why I do what I do...then you don't respect me at all, and I have no need for such negativity in my life.  I know why I'm doing this, and, even if it seems inexplicable to you, you just need to do an Elsa and let it go.  Anything else could spell the end of our friendship.

The Search for the Real Lizzie McGuire

By now, I think everyone knows that Hilary Duff was my main girl during my first 2.5 years of high school, thanks to me discovering Lizzie McGuire right after the start of freshman year.  While the show had its share of detractors--and which one doesn't?--it catapulted Miss Duff into super stardom, and has a cultural impact that is still felt today, especially by people who grew up with it, much like I did.  Lizzie herself was a likable character; a New York Times article called her "the luminous and loyal friend any kid would want to have at a stage of adolescence when the world just begins to seem very dark." Looking back, I think part of the reason I revered her as highly as I did was because I didn't have an actual best friend; sure, there were people I talked to often at school, church, and elsewhere, but I rarely did things with them outside of those places.  It was true that a kid that my mom was taking care of introduced me to the show, but, to this day, I question whether or not he was my friend, only because he acted like a jerk half the time.

I don't watch Lizzie near as much as I used to, though it does make for some nice nostalgia material now and then.  Still, just like with other previous favorite entertainment entities of mine, its impact is still felt to this day...but, in this case, more than any of the rest of them.  You probably already know how Hilary Duff and her show changed my life forever, and woke me up to a whole world of entertainment I'd be missing out on otherwise; I doubt I would have ever discovered my later celebrity crushes or pretty much any show I've enjoyed in the past decade or so if it hadn't been for Lizzie.  What you may not know is how it has also impacted my views on friendship, though whether that's for good or for ill is up for debate.

If you're unfamiliar with the show, you probably don't know this, but, despite its title, it wasn't only about Lizzie.  She had a family, of course--mom, dad, and pesky little brother--but she also had two best friends, Miranda Sanchez and David "Gordo" Gordon.  From the outset, the three of them did pretty much everything together.  Not only did they have all of the same classes--which is actually possible in middle school; I know from experience--but they attended functions together and often got in trouble together as well.  They were pretty much three peas in a pod, until Miranda made an exit towards the end of the show for reasons I never did quite understand.  Together, they braved evil cheerleaders, family drama, school dances, the struggles of growing up, and plenty more.  The same could be said for the main cast of other similar shows, ranging from Austin & Ally to even Nickelodeon's iCarly; even when there was enmity between some of the main characters, they ended up doing the right thing for each other, and, sometimes, became friends before the series finale.

When I think of these shows, I have to ask myself: Where is my Lizzie, or my Miranda, or my Ally? (Yes, the last one was intended as a pun.) I'm not saying that I'm searching for some lovely young single blonde, brunette, or Latina to marry me; if you think that's my focus, you're sorely mistaken.  In fact, the person who could fill that role could be already married, older than I am, or maybe even (gasp!) a guy; what I'm saying is, I'm looking for a best friend.  In the past, I used to have some good friends who took me to the movies and such...but they're all gone now.  Two of them won't talk to me anymore thanks to my own dumb actions, while others have passed away or moved away, if not both.  While it's great to keep in contact with old friends via Facebook or even old-school style--i.e., on the phone--you can't deny that distance and time puts a strain on any relationship, even if it's completely platonic.  Still, I get along with pretty much everyone at my church...but, other than one older couple and my family members, I hardly ever see them outside church events.  I'm not sure I'd call most of them close friends, and I'm sure they'd say the same about me.

Friendship is a concept that has always proved rather enigmatic to me.  I've had bad experiences with people who laid me out--sometimes in public--over nothing, or generally acted in a rather ugly fashion, yet others said of those folks, "They are your biggest advocates!", "They're the best friends you've ever had!", "She is your biggest fan!", or "He likes you and you don't even know it!" If I'm going to have friends, I expect them to treat me with respect, not constantly make me feel like I'm back in seventh grade, dealing with middle school bullies again.  Seriously, when someone comes over to your table only to blast you over something completely innocent you said on Facebook...how is that not persecution? Where is the Christian love in that? I would say that a true friend wouldn't do such a thing...but others would say I'd be wrong about that.

To use another television analogy: I've been a fan of Mork & Mindy ever since my mom first introduced me to it in 1999, and a big part of that is because I identify with the character of Mork.  Just like him, I continue to struggle to understand human ways; after twenty-seven years on this planet, I'm still at a loss to explain some people's actions.  True, sometimes, nobody can explain why someone said or did whatever; my mom has said more than once, "I don't know why _______ said that!", and, depending on the incident, the person in question was anyone from my sister to my elementary school principal.  Still, more often than not, others seem to "get" what people are saying...whereas, I just don't.  It's not that I intend to misunderstand or do the wrong thing; I try my best, but it usually isn't good enough.  Mork needed someone to explain Earth concepts to him, and, as a college student, Mindy was a perfect fit.  I know they eventually married, but, this isn't about a relationship; in fact, in the first season, Mindy's father and grandmother also helped Mork out.  What I want is just someone to look out for me; someone who will help me out if I mess up, not make me feel like an idiot.

Unfortunately, that just seems hard to come by; even people who I should have been able to trust did me seriously wrong.  I found many teachers in school hard to respect because they acted like jerks; even my kindergarten teacher was rather cold and aloof.  I had two different principals at my high school, and hardly anyone respected either of them; the first one got booed at a pep rally, while the second was complained about by many teachers, all because of their overreactions to certain situations.  My family and I ended up leaving our home church of nearly three decades because of corruption within the leadership; they were doing whatever they wanted without regards to how the congregation felt, and many longtime members departed as a result.  My parents often try their best, but, due to their age and everything they've had on their plate over the years--even just this year alone--they often don't have the time or energy to deal with situations as they'd like.  I'd say I need a true best friend...but, I wouldn't know where to find one.

I will conclude by saying this: While I believe that anyone who wants to be my friend can be (Luke 9:50), in my experience, women seem to "get" me better than guys do.  It's not that every female human I've known has had the utmost respect for me--I currently know a few who pay me absolutely no mind, though, in more than one case, I have no idea why--but, in most cases, the women seem to understand me while the guys just sit there flummoxed.  I recall an incident at a high school youth retreat where we were discussing media discernment, and I proudly proclaimed that the only "R" film I'd ever seen was Vision Quest; when one of the girls heard that, she was shocked and quickly replied, "That was bad! You shouldn't have watched that!"...but, one of the guys thought it was no big deal.  I have to say, I agree with the member of the fairer sex; in fact, I only saw that dumb flick because another guy in the group lied to me about its content.  You might say that was just immaturity, but I've had the exact same problem since then countless times.  That's why I'm more inclined to think that I would need a female best friend like Lizzie McGuire, Mindy McConnell, or Ally Dawson; then again, maybe I'm totally wrong.

Worship Vs. Entertainment

Though it's been ages since I've been to one, during my middle and high school years, I went to Christian concerts fairly regularly.  I've seen various artists and bands within the CCM genre live, ranging from the well-known (TobyMac, Third Day, and the Newsboys) to the...well, not so well-known (ApologetiX, Sanctus Real, and even the local, now-defunct band Saving Sam).  I also got autographs and other memorabilia at said shows; to this day, my mom adores the photo of me with the since-disbanded Australian group Paul Colman Trio.  (If you haven't seen that photo, I can show it to you sometime.)  Since my mom isn't exactly a fan of rock or pop music of any kind, I mostly attended Christian concerts with my sister and/or brother-in-law, who were responsible for me discovering contemporary Christian music in the first place, all thanks to them playing dc Talk's Supernatural during rides to and from church.  Sometimes, friends from church would join in; unfortunately, most of my fellow youth group members never bothered with such music, choosing to listen to Eminem or Limp Bizkit instead, so it was usually older church members.  Back in 2002, after one such concert I attended with both of those family members and some friends, my sister said something to me that has stuck with me to this day: "When we go to these concerts, we're not going because we like the music; we're not going because it's not secular; we're going there to worship God.  We're going to work on that."

Honestly, when I first heard those words, I was so flummoxed that I didn't really know what to say; those of you who know me know that's a rarity.  When I listened to music--of any kind--I wasn't worshiping; I was simply letting the music and vocals envelop me.  To me, listening to dc Talk on my CD player was no different than hearing Smash Mouth on the radio; music was music.  It's still largely that way...but, then again, much of Christian music doesn't really fall into the category of worship for me anyway.

What do I define as worship? An article in Breakaway magazine--a publication from Focus on the Family for teenage guys--described it as being music "directed to or about God."  Webster defines it as, "reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power; also, an act of expressing such reverence."  A Facebook friend gave this definition: "Reverent honor and homage paid to God."  Sure, Christian music does go into that area sometimes; some bands and artists produce nothing but worship music.  Still, many of CCM's best-loved artists talk about other things as well.  dc Talk did everything from a pro-life anthem ("Children Can Live (Without It)") to "Godsend," a song about romantic love.  ApologetiX retells stories from the Bible that have nothing to do with the Gospel, including obscure ones such as the demise of King Eglon ("Plump").  Relient K's first few albums have everything from an ode to ThunderCats to a love song to fictional sleuth Nancy Drew to even a song almost completely in gibberish.  Though the messages behind those songs are great, I wouldn't call them worship tunes; in fact, if I saw the song leader at my church try to lead the congregation in one of those songs during a service, I'd walk out.  It's telling that most of the hymns we sing rarely mention Biblical figures other than members of the Trinity: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit; church is no place to sing the praises of Saturday morning cartoons or the person you married.  Sure, there's a time and a place for everything--including that--but a church service isn't it.

More to the point, it would seem that some people, including Christians, have a warped definition of what worship music really is.  Around Y2K, writer Mark Allan Powell released an Encyclopedia of Contemporary Christian Music.  Most of the information in it is now outdated, or can easily be found on Google or Wikipedia; still, at the time it was released, it was heralded by many Christian music fans as a wonderful piece of work, probably due to the fact that such a volume had never before been published.  Though it had some great information, I quibbled with one part of its article about ApologetiX, a Christian parody band I used to listen to constantly.  It described their spoof of Beck's "Loser" as "a worship song," and quoted the lyric, "I want You to save me, so why don't You fill me?" to prove its point.  Unfortunately, like many Bible verses, that quotation was taken out of context; the chorus actually went like this:

Someone's at the door!
Find out who's there, baby!
Go light up your building!
Go and tell the Lord:
"I want You to save me,
So, why don't You fill me?"

That doesn't exactly sound like worship, does it? Just like many CCM songs in general, while the message behind it was great, it wasn't exactly worship.  Even if a song mentions God in a positive way, that doesn't exactly make it a worship tune.

If there's anything I've always loved, it's entertainment.  Some would say computers are my lifelong love, but, I mostly used them for entertainment-related purposes: to play games when I was younger, and to research my favorite media when I got older.  I once saw an article claiming that a study supposedly proved that watching lots of TV at a young age causes autistic disorders...but the myriad of comments debunked it; instead of the television watching causing the autism, it was the exact opposite.  While I may not be as severely autistic as some people--seriously, some of them can't even begin to carry on a conversation--I find that it's a natural impulse to stare at what's on a screen or listen to whatever music is playing, even if I don't like it; without headphones--sometimes even with them--it's impossible for me to tune it out.  These days, many parents allow their young children to play with iPads, Kindles, Nintendo DSes, or other devices in order to help them remain quiet during church services.  While I don't take offense to that--my mom did the same thing with books when I was their age--I have to admit it can be distracting; I sometimes find myself staring at the screen of their device instead of singing along like I should be.  More to the point, my mom turned on some reruns of Two of a Kind, a sitcom starring the Olsen twins, who are among my least favorite celebrities.  A kid who my mom was taking care of said that I must have liked them, because I was sitting there watching it, but, honestly, I was just watching it because it was on; I did the same thing sometimes when my mom turned on figure skating or the news, two things that aren't exactly my among my viewing preferences.  It was just too difficult to not pay attention, regardless of what was on the screen, which is why my mom was usually careful about what she allowed me to watch and listen to.

To me, there's little difference between Christian entertainment and mainstream entertainment; whether books, movies, music, TV shows, or anything else, it exists only to entertain.  Sure, Christian fare may have a big message behind it, but so does much secular fare, even if the message isn't morally right.  When I listen to Christian music, I don't find myself worshiping; I find myself pleased by the sounds hitting my ears...which is the same thing that happens when I'm listening to Victoria Justice.  That's why I'm glad I go to a church that doesn't use instruments; if every church service I went to was like a Demi Lovato concert, I'd lose focus of why I was there.  I remember an instance in the middle school Bible class where the teacher asked if we felt church was boring, and one guy commented, "We don't come to church to have fun." I agree; church services aren't movie showings or ball games, and shouldn't be treated as such.  True, some slight instrumentation--i.e., a light piano background--wouldn't be too distracting, but heavy rock guitars would be.  That's why I was shocked when I heard my sister say that we were going to Christian concerts to worship God; that wasn't why I consumed entertainment of any kind, including Christian music.

I've known some people who are anti-CCM, for various reasons: they feel said music is of low quality, that Christian music shouldn't have instruments, that the music isn't really Christian like it claims to be, etc.  While I'm not against it--after all, I've been listening to CCM since I was in fifth grade--I still feel that it's not a replacement for the music we sing in church.  Most popular music--of any genre, Christian or otherwise--is about sonic quality: the instrumentation, the vocals, or both.  However, worship music--as we sing it in church, that is--is all about the lyrics; it's not about the vocal prowess of the people singing it.  If you've sat in a church service, you've probably sat near someone who sang off-key; I once heard a story about a now-late fellow church member who always sang loudly, even though he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.  It wasn't because he wanted everyone to hear him; it was because of the One to whom he was singing.  The rest of us would do good to follow his example, regardless of vocal talent or lack thereof.

In closing, I will say this: Regardless of what kind of music you listen to or how many hymns you sing during church services, you have to be careful about idol worship.  I've always heard the definition of "idol" as "anything that takes the place of God," and that could be pretty much anything in the universe but God.  People used to know me for my "idols"; one high school friend asked me after we reconnected via Facebook, "You still worship that one actress?" He was speaking of Anne Hathaway; while that friend wasn't a Christian, it wasn't a good sign that my adoration of a celebrity--any of them, really--came off that way.  The secular definition of "worship" is usually used in regards to people's attitudes towards famous people; I've often heard the term "idol" used as a synonym for "hero," when it really isn't.  It doesn't even have to be someone famous; it could be an abstract entity, such as entertainment, or a loved one, such as a spouse or other romantic interest.  I'm not going to accuse anyone of idolatry; I really don't know anyone reading this well enough to know where their priorities truly lie.  What I do know is that I have to make sure that I don't let anything come between me and my eternal salvation; while having a hobby is fine, my tendency is to turn a fun activity into an addiction, which is a problem.

What Do You Think? It Really DOES Matter!

I've always been a staunch advocate of living my life the way I want to live it.  I'll watch whatever shows and movies I want to, read whatever books I want to, listen to whatever music I want to, spend my spare time doing whatever I want to, post whatever I want to on Facebook and elsewhere...and it doesn't stop there.  However, now that I think about it, that attitude has turned people off; when I've offended or bothered those who cared about me, but couldn't care less about what I did, and chose to proclaim my innocence instead of owning up to my mistakes...it was rather off-putting, and led to me losing friends.  True, sometimes, I realized the errors of my ways...but, by that point, it was usually too little, too late.  If I'd just thought about what I was doing before I did it, I could have saved myself from the consequences.

Over the years, my mom and my sister--who was kind of my second mother, especially when I had no father to speak of--would often say, "What would your friend(s) think if they knew you were _____?" It usually didn't stop me; I was bent on doing what I wanted to do, regardless of what they had to say.  Still, I think they make a great point; if my friends--especially ones of the female persuasion whom I was hoping to date--had seen me angrily refusing to help around the house, that would have been a major turn-off.

In both cases, I wish I could say I've put such actions behind me...but I haven't.  Just this week alone, I've reacted to situations at home in ways that would embarrass me if my friends were there to witness them.  Of course, nobody is perfect; we all mess up now and then; still, continually having to apologize for losing my cool over essentially nothing is not fun for anyone, especially not me.

So, what's to be done? Instead of simply doing my own thing and not caring who I bother or offend, I need to act in a way of which my Christian friends would approve.  I know we're supposed to please God and not people, but, I think many of my friends who are reading this would always be pleased with me acting in a Christian way.  That also means that I won't do anything that my friends wouldn't approve of, regardless of who is watching.  Some time ago, I came across a book that had a cover and plot that appealed to me, even though I knew it was something that I probably shouldn't read.  A now-former friend told me to go ahead and read it, and not worry about what my friends and family would think...and not only did I do just that, I also read the sequel.  I've also been reading quite a bit of manga; you may know the story of how a scary scene in one of those Japanese comics was burned into my retina, but, thanks to a friend's comment, I realized that much of it isn't something I should be reading for other reasons as well, especially since it often objectifies women.  I won't give up on reading or even manga/comics completely; like any medium, printed media can be used for good or for evil.  Still, I'll need to make more informed decisions before plunking down cash or store credit, or whipping out my library card, for entertainment...of any kind.  If I would be embarrassed for my parents or my Christian friends to see me reading or watching it...then I shouldn't bother.

We all know entertainment is a big thing for me, but this whole thing goes beyond that.  Sure, television, movies, books, and music are fun, but they shouldn't be my whole life.  As a Christian, it's my duty to help people in need; whatever we do for those who need help, we've done for Jesus.  If anyone needs my assistance, it doesn't matter what I'm watching on TV; it's time to turn the set off, get up from my recliner, and take care of business.  It also means that I need to have hobbies outside the realm of entertainment; doing nothing but reading books and watching television shows is lazy and unhealthy.  In the past, people have suggested that I try my hand at everything from running to martial arts, and I always declined...but I shouldn't have; doing so would help me lose weight and get physically fit, not to mention be much better for my mind than a steady diet of the Disney Channel.  I think many people would be proud of me for achieving something that doesn't involve technology or bargain hunting.

In conclusion, I will say this: I once read a Christian book about dating that discussed the oft-asked question: How far is too far before marriage? The author argued that you shouldn't do anything while dating you wouldn't want your spouse to find out about...because, despite how in love you may think you are, you may not end up marrying that person.  Secrets have a way of being discovered, sometimes by complete accident. I remember an incident where one of my aunts was positively livid with another aunt of mine because of something the latter had done...but, though my mom told me of the former's angry response, she wouldn't tell me what made her that angry.  I eventually found out, though, only because the latter aunt told me during a phone conversation; presumably, she didn't know that my mom didn't want me to know what had happened.  I mention that for one reason: If I plan on being married one day, I have to act in a way that a woman would be pleased with; regardless of how I try to hide it, if I mess up, she'll find out about it.  Unfortunately, I have turned right many women off; most of the people who have unfriended me have been of the opposite gender, and most of said ladies have been around my age.  Of course, I don't want to be a show-off or a braggart, but, I can't expect to be admired if I don't do anything admirable.

You're NEVER Gonna Keep Me Down!

All the way back in January 1998, I joined a local Cub Scout pack thanks to a friend from church and his father's involvement with it.  (You may think you know this story, but, keep reading.) I participated in the Pinewood Derbies, the various cheers, "Boom Chicka Boom", summer day camp, and several other activities during my time there.  Two years later, it became time for me to transition to Boy Scouting...but I almost didn't do it, and I would have quit after finishing Cub Scouting if it hadn't been for my sister's insistence that I keep going.

What happened? Some of you may remember me saying that I never planned on being a Boy Scout; honestly, I used to think that was the case, but, I had a bit of doubt about that fact, and another memory from that time told me exactly what happened: I got discouraged.  No, it wasn't a product of bullying or anything; in fact, the thought of it still breaks my heart to this day.  I remember it like it was yesterday: My brother-in-law--a Scout leader--and I were just starting to head home, and I was in a very happy and chatty mood; I was talking about a fake cassette-playing jukebox that my fourth grade teacher had, when he delivered some news that shocked me to the core.  Long story short, there were two fellow Scouts who were younger than I was, but were moving up to Boy Scouting despite not being old enough...yet, I was old enough to transition, but I was nonetheless going to spend the next year being the only middle schooler in the country still in Cub Scouting.  This news was very disheartening to me; in fact, when I got home and told my mom, I cried, and was still lamenting it well after that.  I had fought against not being in the right group in Scouting for my age, but, the powers that be wouldn't do anything about it.  It became ten times as disheartening when I discovered that becoming a Boy Scout at a later age than normal gave me a year and a half less to earn Eagle, and right around the time I found out I had Asperger Syndrome, whereas those other two guys--who were good Scouts; otherwise, they wouldn't have transitioned early--didn't even need any extra time...but still got it.  Another disheartening detail was that my brother-in-law wanted to buy some knives for those new Boy Scouts, but, when my sister found out about it, she didn't feel it was appropriate for them due to their age, which led to my sister and brother-in-law getting in a huge fight the whole way to church one Wednesday night.  Looking back, I can kind of see both sides: Part of Boy Scouting is learning wilderness survival, which means learning how to use a knife as a tool, and I'm pretty sure that my brother-in-law wouldn't have bought something like that for those guys if they didn't need it...but that's still a bit much for kids who are young enough to be Cub Scouts.

That entire situation just really discouraged me, which is why, even during the thirteen months I was in Boy Scouting, I rarely participated, much to my sister and brother-in-law's chagrin.  I went on a total of two camping trips--well, three if you count the one that was in a heated/air conditioned gym; I wouldn't--and used to hide in the bathroom and elsewhere during parts of the weekly meetings.  After just over a year, my mom finally pulled the plug, which was only because I kept going back and forth about attending the monthly trips...because I didn't want to go in the first place.  My brother-in-law said of two different leaders, "He does not want to give up on you!"; me jumping ship probably broke their hearts, and others' as well.

By now, you're probably wondering what the point of that story was...and I do have one: I let the circumstances discourage me...but I shouldn't have.  Even if I got the short end of the stick from the Scout leaders, I could have used that as an opportunity to triumph despite my circumstances...but, instead, I wussed out and left Scouting first chance I got.  True, the hand they dealt me wasn't exactly fair, but, they would have been remarking about what I'd done if I'd just stuck to it instead of letting the circumstances bring me down...which is why I'm starting to regret giving up as early as I did.

It applies to more than just Scouting, though.  You probably know the familiar story of Sparky, the family dog whom I despised from day one, even though he was intended to be not only my pet, but my friend as well.  Before we got him, my mom had talked about getting another canine companion...but I argued against it the entire way.  The example I always used was something that happened with the dog we had before Sparky: One Sunday, I was very tired because I had just gotten back from a youth retreat to Raleigh, NC, but my mom asked me to feed the dog anyway.  I went and did it, but, I was so tired that even just walking to the backyard hurt...yet, as soon as I set foot in the house again, my mom immediately asked me, "Jerry, why didn't you run with him?" I couldn't believe she had the audacity to ask me that; did she not realize how tired I was? After that dog died later that year, I never wanted one again, because I was afraid of a repeat of that same incident; when my mom adopted Sparky, I was positively livid.  Looking back, my mom probably wasn't thinking; she had just started working nights, so, she was probably tired.  Regardless of why my mom did it, it wasn't the dog's fault, and Sparky didn't deserve to pay for it on his first night at our house.  While that circumstance was discouraging, it was my fault for letting it bring me down that badly.

It's the same story with other things as well.  I spent years refusing to drive was because of some people's remarks which I saw as discouraging, which I actually later realized were misinterpreted.  Sure, they said it would be difficult, but they didn't say it wouldn't happen! It's also the same with theme parks; after years of not being able to go to them with anyone outside the family, I started to lose interest, even though my mom's rule about them was not only for the sake of my friends and their parents, but also eventually rescinded.  In every case, I let circumstances keep me from things that I really could have enjoyed if only I'd given them the chance.

The only exception to that rule is entertainment.  Since I've always worn my favorite shows and such on my sleeve, I ended up enduring a lot of criticism...and not just from kids.  Many adults--including my mom--got tired of hearing or reading about the same topics again and again, and sometimes reacted in ways they normally wouldn't have because of it.  Despite that, though, I kept watching my favorite shows until I either decided that it was time to move on or couldn't do so anymore.  It seems that I was just determined to consume that audiovisual entertainment, no matter what anyone else thought...but that determination didn't seem to apply to anything else.

People often knew me for being unwilling to do quite a few things; in fact, that led to some serious arguments.  One of my teachers in high school thought it was unthinkable that I refused to go to Busch Gardens; she insisted that I'd have fun if I went, but I staunchly denied it...though without a legitimate reason.  Other people had the same issue; my sister even once told me, "You need to do things that do not involve your computer or CD player!" I think the message was clear: While consuming and researching audiovisual entertainment is fun, it's a problem when I don't want to do anything else.  Such people wanted me to get up and get out, not waste away doing the same things again and again.  Though I do attend social events at my church and elsewhere, entertainment has long taken precedence; a former friend mistakenly thought that I spent all my time reading books and watching TV shows because I never seemed to post about anything but those topics.  Even before that, my mom used to say that people probably thought I did nothing but sit around and watch TV because of the way I bandied about the names of my favorite shows and TV characters.

I've always said that I post about entertainment because it makes me happy...but does it really? It's largely a solitary pursuit; I rarely have someone watch my shows with me.  Even when I try to discuss movies I've recently watched, most of my friends have never seen them, even if they got a major theatrical release.  Plus, sitting around reading books isn't likely to get me a girlfriend; you have to be out meeting people to find the right match, not plopped down in your living room with your face glued to your iPad.  I think my entertainment addiction has really led to frustration.

So, what's to be done? First off: I think I need to abandon these rules about what I don't do.  If I want to have friends, I need to be willing to do things with them that they enjoy, which would include trips to Busch and similar places.  Past circumstances only have a hold on me when I let them.  Second off: When the seemingly unthinkable happens--and it tends to--I need to keep James 1:2-3 in mind: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (NIV) I had something terrible happen to me before I was even two years old: my biological father walked out on me and my family for another woman.  Though I've been emotionally hurt by others, nothing anyone has ever done since has been more terrible than that...but, I know some of you have been through much worse.  You've been in abusive relationships; you've faced divorce or other romantic heartbreak; you've lost loved ones at the hands of someone else.  I may think what happened in Scouting was bad, but, I'll likely end up facing much worse; in fact, I kind of already have.  Such circumstances are tests to see how I'll react; if I keep my cool and don't lash out, I pass...but, if I lose my temper, I fail, and I've done just that too many times in the past, so, it's time to stop.

In conclusion, I'll say this: You probably know that I've discussed my hesitancy to get in a relationship because of all the married couples I've known who have eventually divorced.  I don't need to tell the stories again; in fact, if you have ever gone to school or church with me, you probably already know the people whose failed marriages I've referenced.  It's tragic what happened to them, and statistics show the the divorce rate is at an all-time high...but, that doesn't necessarily spell doom for a potential relationship in the future.  When I was contemplating leaving Boy Scouting, I was telling my mom of all the boys who had left my troop...but she told me that the only thing that mattered was what I wanted to do.  Many Scouts do end up chickening out; out of over 83.4 million boys who have been part of the program, only about two percent end up earning Eagle...but, their decisions don't affect mine.  It's the same with marriages: We all know someone who has been through some sort of romantic tragedy...but, that's no reason to give up on it completely.  Even if you are the recipient of the romantic raw deal, you just have to move on; like the old song says: "I get knocked down...but I get up again! You're never gonna keep me down!"