What I'm Looking For In a Relationship (AKA Why I Likely Will Never Be In One)

Before I start, let me say this: If you do not consider yourself to be a Christian, please do not read any further.  Thank you.

When you were single--or if you are currently--you were probably asked the age-old question at some point: What do you look for in a mate? Most people's responses would probably be along the same lines: somewhat close in age, adhering to the same faith, similar interests, etc.  I'll admit that I haven't been the best about potential mates; not only did I want to marry Hilary Duff back in the day, but, even the female friends I pursued relationships with--including right many I never actually asked out--weren't good matches for one reason or another, as I eventually found out.  For a while, the presence of a single Christian woman made me go nuts; I'm over that now, but, I still love hanging out with my female friends...regardless of age, marital status, or whatever.  When it comes to what I currently look for in a relationship, it's actually more complex than most people would think.

So, what do I look for in a mate? First off: She must be of the same faith.  Everyone reading this knows I'm a Christian, and have been one since 2003.  However, I'm not just looking for a woman who calls herself a Christian; people say they identify with the faith, but have mouths like sailors, or regularly indulge in filthy media, or love to go out and get drunk.  Not only that, but, she must be a member of the Church of Christ specifically.  That may narrow the pool of potential mates greatly, but, I couldn't marry a Catholic or a Methodist, because I'd be afraid I'd end up converting to their faith, which is a big no-no.  You may say, "Well, why don't you try to convert her?" I have seen that happen before; I know a woman who was raised in the Church of Christ...but married a Catholic guy.  He had known for a while that he needed to get baptized in the right way, but dragged his feet about it...until she got serious with him and said, "If you walk out on that street and get hit by a car and killed, you would go to hell!" That Sunday, he was baptized.  However, I don't possess such a power; I have never been able to get anyone to do much of anything.  How many of you can say that you started watching Disney Channel or attending garage sales because I endorsed them regularly on Facebook? Didn't think so.  So, if she and I didn't agree on faith matters, it would just lead to endless squabbling...and who wants that?

Second off: She must believe in the value of media discernment.  Pretty much everyone I've ever known--including almost all of the Christians--would watch, play, listen to, read, etc., whatever, without any thought to its content.  Maybe they'd draw the line at hardcore pornography, but, that's about it.  However, my mom instilled the value of media discernment in me, and it's something I'll stick to for the rest of my life, even if I start living on my own, because it's what I believe God wants.  I can't see how people would think Jesus would be okay with his followers sitting through raunchy sex comedies or torture-porn flicks; if he were in a room where Christians were gathered watching such a thing, I'm pretty sure that room would eventually be in shambles.  However, nobody else seems to realize that.

I've noticed that entertainment is something people tend to take very seriously.  Back in February 2004, I was on the way to a youth retreat, and the driver of the church van saw a car with a spoiler, and jokingly called it "a fin".  Attempting to joke back, I said, "You watch too much Finding Nemo," a film that was insanely popular at the time.  The guy--who was usually the nicest, most easygoing sort of fellow--got a bit upset and said, "No, I don't watch any Finding Nemo!" He went on to say that he didn't care for the blockbuster animated film just because Ellen DeGeneres, an avowed lesbian, was the voice of Dory; other than some punk kid who was too "hard" for such a thing, that church van driver was the only person I knew who wasn't a fan of that movie.  Around the same time, I had a discussion with another guy about the live-action Cat in the Hat flick starring Mike Myers.  The guy didn't want to see it, because, to quote him, "Dr. Seuss books shouldn't be live-action"; I didn't want to, either, but I had different reasons. I told him what I'd read in the paper: that Audrey Geisel, the widow of the late children's book author, didn't care for the film because she couldn't believe that they got Myers, who is known for being crude, to play the title role.  My friend replied by saying, "Oh, I didn't know it was Mike Myers; I thought it was Doofus again," then added, "Yes, I know; Jim Carrey." Both of those individuals--and others I've known as well--take the entertainment they don't care for very seriously...and so do I; the difference is: I'm up for pretty much any entertainment that isn't morally offensive.  That's a broad spectrum, and most people probably like something that falls into it...but, they probably are also fans of right much that doesn't even come close to hitting that mark.  They could go from watching a Disney movie to an uncensored HBO special without even blinking.  If my friends want to do that, fine; I'll let God be your judge.  However, I can't be in a relationship with someone who does that...because, then, I'll be expected to join in, which would mean a one way ticket to Splitsville.

Third off: She must be willing to stick it to the status quo. If you've known me for a while, you probably know that I've identified as a rebel, and my heroes have been people such as Christian singer Kevin Max, late Apple founder Steve Jobs, and Nintendo bigwig Shigeru Miyamoto: those who thought differently.  My ideal mate would be one to join me in pursuits such as my week-long Disney marathon or reading four or five books every day for a month; even if nobody else is doing these things, she would be for my sake.

In about a week and a half, it's going to be Super Bowl Sunday.  I imagine most if not all of you are going to be watching the big game, and throwing or attending a party.  If you are, great...but, I won't be; as all of you probably already know, I despise sports, so, even if it is the biggest sporting event of the year, it doesn't thrill me one bit.  Think about it: Would you be excited about a Siobhan Magnus concert, or a Lizzie McGuire reunion, or a new 1 Girl Nation album? Didn't think so.  If I even bother staying up, I probably will do a marathon of reading and/or television watching...all by my lonesome.  If I get married, my hope is that my wife would join me in that pursuit, not watch the "big game" in the other room.  You may think that nobody would do that; you're probably right, which is why I'm likely doomed to remain single.

Fourth off: She must support my interests...for real! Few things break my heart more than believing that people support me and what I do, only to find out that they were faking the whole thing.  You all probably know the story of the former friend who seemingly supported my adoration of Victoria Justice, only to ask later on why my parents were "not concerned" about it.  Other people have done essentially the same thing, including via Facebook unfriending.  I don't expect all of my friends to do the same things I do...but, if they believe I shouldn't be doing it, that's a problem that should be squashed as soon as possible.  The last thing I want is a mate who sits there watching K.C. Undercover with me, all the while thinking about what she wouldn't do to be playing Grand Theft Auto or reading Fifty Shades of Grey instead.

It's getting late, so, here are the short versions of some of my other points:

5.  She must never bring a pet home...especially a DOG! When we lost our dog Boxley in December of 2001, it was the first time our household had ever been sans a canine...and it was a serious weight lifted off my shoulders.  However, it didn't last very long, because my mom decided to bring home Sparky during the summer of 2002...which, to this day, I consider to be her biggest mistake in my lifetime.  I never did like him, and my experience with him and other dogs turned me off to the canine species in general.  I've always wanted a pet free home, and, if my wife ends up ruining that...hello, hotel room!
6. She must be cool, calm, and collected during times of crisis.  When I was in fifth grade, there was an incident where a kid got his hand caught in a paper shredder...but the major crisis was averted because the teacher, a retired Air Force pilot, responded quickly by pulling the plug.  If he had panicked, it would have been much worse.  Unfortunately, other teachers I had freaked out over much less.  When I'm experiencing a crisis, I don't want someone who freaks out with me, or who makes fun of me; I want someone who will work with me calmly to resolve it as best as possible.  Unfortunately, people like that are far too hard to come by.
7. She must help me figure out what to do and how to do it.  Recently, my mom taped a weekly list of chores to my wall; reason being that, lately, I hadn't been doing much at home but sitting around reading books and watching television shows.  The sad truth is: Left to my own devices, that's just what I'd do.  I need that guidance, or I'm not going to get much of anything done (at least, at home).
8. She must be easy to respect.  When I was in school, I had too many teachers who fostered disrespect by the way they treated not just me, but the whole class.  School wasn't the best experience to begin with, but, they made it even worse.  The last thing I want is to be stuck with some woman who doles out disrespect while expecting love and respect in return.  If I was saddled with a wife like that, since divorce isn't an option, I'd probably shoot myself.  The problem there is: The whole feminism/women's liberation culture tells women that it's okay to disrespect their guys.  I've seen it countless times, even in Christian marriages.

 Now, for my conclusion: The biggest question is: Does such a woman like this exist? I can't say for sure...but, if I had to guess, I'd say no.  Most adults--of all ages--don't care for the Disney Channel, and, when you add in all the other criteria, you've got something no woman can match.  That's why I'm glad my parents won't let me onto Christian dating sites.  If I were on one, I'd be in one of two situations: Either I'd still be frustrated by my lack of a significant other, or I'd be stuck in a relationship I don't really want to be in, but entered into due to guilt and the feeling that I needed someone.   So, that's why I'll stick to my fictional superwomen, like Lizzie McGuire, Mindy McConnell, or the Pink Ranger; they may not exist, but they're the closest to my ideal partner that I'm ever going to get.

...And You Are Not Me: An Addendum

I'm going to try to keep this short, so, all I'll say in the opening remarks is that you should read the original post if you haven't already.  Done? Then, here we go.

My first point: People often mistake me for a normal person because I have the appearance of one.  What do you like to do during the summer? Go to Water Country or Busch Gardens? Hang out at the beach or pool? Fire up the grill? Well, those just aren't my thing, and many of you reading this probably already knew that...but many others who would consider themselves my friends don't, or know it but choose not to apply that knowledge.  I've said for a while that it bugs me when people try to shove activities down my throat they know good and well I don't like.  More than one so-called friend attempted to teach me how to throw a football; did they seriously think I cared? If someone who obviously doesn't know me--a visitor at church, a random person at a garage sale, etc.--mentions sports to me, that's a different story; how would they know that I prefer Nickelodeon to the NFL? Still, too many times, it's people who had to know better...and, if I listed them, you'd be surprised exactly who those people were.

My second point: My difference has nothing to do with my condition.  I'm taking a risk by saying this, because I don't really like to talk about it...but, many of you know of my condition, and have for a while.  However, I'd say that, by now, I've actually recovered; though I still have some residual bad habits from it, you could find those in any number of others without it.  I've known more than one adult sans any "condition" who talked out loud to himself or herself, and who hasn't known someone with poor handwriting? You may be one of those people yourself! As for my oft-discussed obsession (or addiction, or fixation, or whatever you want to call it), while I have a passion for family-friendly and Christian entertainment, not only is that a broader topic than any of my big things in the past--in fact, it's much like pretty much all of them put together--but, it's much milder than it was back in the day.  If you knew me back then, you'd have to agree.  Truth be told, when I've hung out with other people with my condition or similar ones, we have nothing in common; they couldn't care less about Lizzie McGuire or dc Talk or garage sales or Mork & Mindy or any of the other things that make me...well, me.  That's probably because they weren't raised with the value of media discernment, as I was.  So, even among people who are supposed to be just like me, I'm still different.  It reminds me of the infamous Tigger quotation: "But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is that I'm the only one!"

My third point: Sometimes, people won't accept disagreement with their opinions about what I should do.  Many of my teachers, especially the special ed ones, had an agenda about me they were pushing big time.  One wanted me to go to a magnet school; another wanted me to go to Busch Gardens; and, more than one wanted me to get my driver's license.  These instructors were so pushy, it started to foster feelings of disrespect in me; couldn't they just let me and my mom make our own decisions? More recently, just look at this quotation from a message from a former friend:

But unless there is another medical concern I don’t know about, why haven’t you learned to drive? Even if you take the bus back and forth to work, you should learn to drive in case of an emergency. [...] Jerry, I truly believe you have the potential to hold down a job, live on your own, and have a happy, full life with friends and, God willing, a wife/family. I know that you have the rocky path of Asperger’s to deal with, but I think that if you are given the right guidance, you can overcome the obstacles in your way. It may take longer for you to reach, but that goal is attainable for you.

 Not long after reading those words, even though my friendship with the individual who wrote them went kaput, I started thinking: Why can't I get my driver's license? So, I studied, got my permit...and then got hit with one roadblock after another.  After my dad had to take an emergency flight to Houston because of his brother's death right after agreeing to give me lessons, I knew that it was a providential hindrance, and I'm not one to fool with the will of God.  Looking back at those words, it's hard to disagree with something worded that sweetly, and I can see why she got mad when I disagreed with her...but, that doesn't mean her words, regardless of the tone, weren't pure poppycock.  I'm even more sure that all that was a bunch of nonsense than I was five years ago, when it all happened.  Like many people, she just didn't understand that I was different.

My final point: Just because I'm different doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone else! It's tough being different, because people get the idea that I think I'm better than everyone else because I'm the only one who knows about something, or whatever.  If you're a Christian--and maybe even if you aren't--you have probably heard the verse from Psalms quoted where David says he is "fearfully and wonderfully made".  Yes, that applies to me...but it applies to all of you as well.  We are all divinely created individuals, and Jesus loves and died for all of us.  Even if you're not a fellow believer, you may know the words of the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal..." It goes on from there, but, that's enough to make my point.  I may be different, but that does not make me superior to anyone else.

...And You Are Not Me

All the way back in 2006, it was time for that rite of passage: my senior prom.  Just like every other year, people paid big bucks for suits, dresses, limos, and what-not, and probably every member of my graduating class was there...except for me.  In fact, I never went to any of my school dances, neither in middle school nor in high school.  My friends back then thought I was crazy for not going to my prom--they told me I'd regret it one day, and that such an occasion would never come around again--but, over a decade later, I still don't; in fact, I'm all the more proud of the fact that I didn't go.  Why? Simply because I am now 100% sure of something I kind of knew all along, even before my senior year: Such a thing was/is not appropriate for me.

You may think, "But...everyone goes to their prom!" Many of you probably have fond memories of yours; you may still look back at pictures of it from time to time and reminisce.  Maybe you even married the person you went to prom with.  If so, great; I'm happy for you...but, you have to remember something: I'm not you, and you're not me.  Just because you had a blast at yours doesn't mean I wouldn't have suffered at mine.  In the years since graduating, some people have even agreed with me that I wouldn't have enjoyed it.

You probably know that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs has been one of my heroes for a while.  So have others who dared to think different, such as Nintendo bigwig Shigeru Miyamoto, Christian singer Kevin Max, American Idol contestant Siobhan Magnus, and, more importantly than anyone else who ever lived, Jesus Christ.  Jobs himself once said, "Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world...are the ones who do." I don't know if I'm capable of changing the world, but, I have always been one to think differently about things.  So, when people are telling me that I just have to do whatever--i.e., go to my senior prom--I would ask, "Why? Is this really necessary?" In my case, it wasn't.

People want to look for a one-size-fits-all solution.  You've probably seen advertisements that say that everyone should see some movie, or that all young males should join Boy Scouting, or that all women should check out some news story.  The problem is: You can't make such a statement, because all people are different.  What if somebody hates cinema with a passion? What if your young son despises camping? What if your wife couldn't care less about the subject of the report? If you make a blanket statement such as, "Everyone should _______," you're no doubt going to find someone that it doesn't apply to...and I would be a likely candidate.  You may think your solution is for everyone, but it probably won't be for me.

In the past, I did many activities that were inappropriate for me: Scouting, AVID, Camp Idlewild, playing football in my friends' backyard, swimming lessons, roller skating lessons, watching Hollywood Squares and Diff'rent Strokes, attending an assessment at Woodrow Wilson Rehab Center (which is not quite what it sounds like,) etc.  Most of those went against my better judgment, but, I did them because I was forced to or to keep someone else happy.  The problem was: The people who told me or encouraged me to do whatever meant completely well; they thought that, because I was a regular guy, I'd like it...but, I'm not, so, I didn't.  Over time, I learned that myself and refused to engage in activities that I knew weren't good for me, such as anything to do with sports.  I faced serious criticism, but, I didn't care; I knew what was good for me and what wasn't, and it wasn't for my peers to make that determination.

When I was in high school, the church I attended at the time took two trips every summer: a week-long retreat at Harding University in Searcy, AR, and a mission trip to Mexico.  I was the only kid in the group who wasn't allowed to go; everyone else in the group went every year and seemed to have a blast...but, I knew nothing of it, because my mom didn't think it was a good idea.  Many people disagreed with my mother; individuals ranging from extended family members to even some of the youth sponsors didn't understand why she would make me miss out on such an opportunity, and I didn't either...but, now, I do.  In fact, I now think it was ridiculous for those people to question my mom's judgment; who would know what's best for me better than the one who gave birth to me and raised me? Part of my problem was because I didn't really know what the trips were all about; I just wanted to travel, and didn't want to be the odd one out.  When it came to the Searcy trip, my mom asked me, "What is it?," and I couldn't answer her simple question.  My sister tried to explain to me why the Mexico trip wasn't appropriate for me, and I bashed her for it, accusing her of "twisting around the truth"...which was another mistake.  Looking back, it makes me feel dumb to have been so insistent about doing something when I didn't even know what that something was; then again, maybe I wouldn't have felt that way if everyone and their mother hadn't been begging me to go.

So, what does all this mean right now? Simply this: Over the past few months, I have been bombarded with news that coeval friends of mine have children on the way.  While I don't want kids, and never really have, it makes me feel like I'm being left in the dust; their big news is that they're bringing new life into the world, and my big news is that I'm having a marathon of Disney media during the last week of 2016.  The more friends of mine who get married and/or have kids, the more I feel like the odd one out for being single...but, I shouldn't feel that way.  If I can be different by not going to my prom, or refusing to watch sports, why not also by lacking a significant other? Just like the other things I mentioned, dating and relationships may work well for you...but, I'm not you, and you're not me! You say, "Look at what a happy family we are!", while I say, "Look at all these things I can do because I don't have to worry about keeping a significant other happy or chasing a kid around the house!" Seriously, with a relationship and kids, the things I do just wouldn't be possible...so, I'm staying single; call me crazy if you want.

If It Makes You Happy...

Since joining Facebook just over a decade ago, I have been bombarded with relationship news.  I've heard about the dates, engagements, marriages, breakups, divorces, etc., of various people, both longtime friends and people--usually from high school--who I knew of, but didn't really know.  For a while, there was a lot of gushing, because many of my coeval friends were in the dating phase; now that most of them are married, and right many of them have kids, their focus has shifted.  Still, back then, the gushing got to me, and it wasn't because of jealousy; in fact, it still kind of does, and for two reasons: First off, it's because it tended to be repetitive, which would make it annoying; if I'm annoying because I always talk about the Disney Channel, or my computer game is annoying because it keeps making the same sound over and over again...isn't someone constantly posting essentially the same thing time and time again just as annoying? Second off, because it's spam.  Before Facebook, I was an active member on a forum for fans of the Christian band dc Talk, and the moderators were tough on spam, which was pretty much defined as posting without saying anything interesting; essentially, a waste of bandwidth.  Well, imagine my surprise when Facebook is rife with such posts, and there's no moderator to report them to.

One thing that I was accused of back then was trying to take away people's happiness...which was definitely not my intent.  If you're in a relationship, I hope it continues to make you happy; though I'm a lifelong single myself, I've seen the pain that breakups, divorces, and widowhood have brought to friends and family...and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  However, you have to realize something: Throughout my life--well before Facebook!--entertainment was my favorite topic of conversation.  It took different forms--celebrity crushes, television shows, jokes, video games, movies, calendars, etc.--but, many times, it was all I could talk about.  That's held true in the past decade, both on Facebook and off; everyone who knows me knows about my penchant for the Disney Channel and old-school television, even if they know nothing else about me.  However, people have unfriended me for gushing about my favorite stars, shows, or whatever else.  They've called it "disturbing," and refused to explain why after being asked; they've lamented about how a star got "more respect than" them; and, in most cases, they've just disappeared without any rhyme or reason, leaving me to speculate what happened.  I talk about my entertainment for the same reason you talk about your significant others and your kids: It makes me happy.  I don't want to take away your happiness, and I would hope you wouldn't want to take away mine.

That said, not everything I've ever talked about has made me happy.  You probably know that I've had problems with numerous people--way too many to list--over the years.  The problems became even worse when I tried to lament about them, because the individuals I had issues with were often well-liked by those that knew them, sometimes almost unanimously so.  Whatever good they did to others, that doesn't excuse the way they treated me; seriously, we're talking about people who did the unthinkable: seeing fit to punish me for saying, "Na nu, na nu," to someone else; videotaping me being harassed, and lying about it; publicly mortifying me on Facebook in a comment on a note that wasn't even intended for that individual; or causing a fiasco that lasted weeks because an entire group of people refused to take no for an answer to an "invitation" to an activity they all knew I wasn't interested in.  Worse yet, those individuals refused to apologize for what they did; instead of seeking forgiveness, all I got was excuses, as if they were proud of what they did.  Such injustices make me sick, especially when other people talk of the individuals responsible as if they're the greatest thing since sliced bread, giving them adulations such as, "They're the best friends you've ever had!", "They are your biggest advocates!", or, "You have no idea how accepted you were by them!" That's bullfunky if I've ever heard it...but, nobody else seems to realize that.

When I lament about problems with others, that's exactly what it is: a lament.  It's not a bashing session; I'm not making fun of them; I'm simply wondering why it has to be that way, especially since, in many cases, I never did anything to them to make them act that way.  One such incident that sticks in my mine to this day, even though it happened many years ago, was when some people I knew thought I couldn't hear them, and started complaining about me, saying that I talked about a certain individual "like she's...the devil".  Another person who was part of that conversation said that she "got so mad" when I started doing that.  Well, you know what? Those things I said didn't make me happy either.  Instead of getting mad because I was lamenting about someone they admired, they should have asked themselves: Why is he saying these things? Are these things true? Is this person I admire really "all that and a bag of chips" like everyone seems to think? It's actually kind of funny to me now: Before that conversation that I wasn't supposed to hear, the person who was so infuriated talked about someone--okay, a reality show contestant, but a divinely created individual nonetheless!--in a very ugly way, calling her "Jersey Trash" because she was from New Jersey, as well as "Giggle Ender" because she had a tendency to end everything she said with a giggle.  So, you're going to bash someone you've never even met because of where she is from, which she can't help, and because of a nervous habit, which she presumably can't help...yet, you're going to get all out of joint because I say from personal experience that someone isn't who everyone says she is.  Even worse, another person who was part of the discussion was also from New Jersey! Unfortunately, that's the kind of double standard I've been facing my whole life...which is why it has always been tough to make and keep friends.

"And Good Night to the Pail!"

Before I start, let me say this: If you do not consider yourself a Christian, please do not read any further.  Thank you.

When I was a senior in high school, I attended a vocational class on computer networking.  Though I had been looking forward to it for quite a while, it was rough at first because of a jerk classmate.  This guy was a devout agnostic, and was an even sorrier individual than the professor Kevin Sorbo played in God's Not Dead.  Years later, I made friends with another agnostic--ironically, through a random meeting at church--who was nothing like that classmate; when I told her of his actions, she said, "Well, that's immature." What made it even worse was that said classmate was one of only two people I ever knew to be engaged while in high school; even my friends and former friends who dated in high school didn't get engaged until well after graduating, sometimes dating other people before reuniting.  The guy in question moved early in the year, and I was not sad to see him go.  I don't know what happened with him and his significant other; my hope is that he learned the error of his ways, but, I'll probably never know.

That unfortunate encounter is all the more alarming eleven years later.  Why the biggest jerk I've ever known can be engaged while still a teenager, while I'm twenty-eight and have been on exactly zero dates, completely boggles my mind.  Upon thinking of that incident while being bombarded with other engagement news--including that of a significantly younger former fellow church member--this holiday season, it almost makes me feel like a video game player who is stuck on one level, or a computer user who can't get his/her Mac to do what he/she wants it to do: I'm asking myself, "What am I not doing? What do I need to do?" I've already done everything everyone suggested: I improved my hygiene; I got a job; I gave up the celebrity crushes; I stopped lamenting about the failed attempts at starting a relationship...and, for what? The only times my relationship status has changed has been on April Fool's Day!

Lately, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think I've come up with two very big reasons that prevent me from getting a date...and they aren't likely to ever change.  First off: I have too many friends of the fairer sex to focus on just one.  For some reason, women love me.  Okay, not all women do--I currently know some who despise me, though, in some cases, the reasons are unclear--but, for a long time, I've been adored by many a female friend.  My high school Spanish teacher was one of them; she reportedly talked about me constantly to her other classes, even gushing about my love for the Disney Channel.  She wasn't the only one, though; other female friends--of all ages, I should add--have taken a liking to me, and many of them still feel that way.  The problem? Having that many opposite gender friends makes it impossible to "tie myself down".  Okay, I hate that term, but, I don't know how else to say it; seriously, having a girlfriend would be a threat to most of my friendships, because I can just imagine my significant other getting jealous when I start talking to all of my friends at church.  Maybe, after a while, there might be some trust there...but, that takes time.

Second off, and this one is even bigger: My "loves" are too important to me for me to focus on a relationship.  Some time ago, a divorced Facebook friend lamented about her broken marriage via a meme, saying that her ex pushed her aside in favor of other things, such as the military.  That goes to show that it doesn't necessarily have to be an affair that ends a marriage; it could be anyone or anything.  I'm reminded of the Christmas episode of Home Improvement where Ilene is all upset because Al--her significant other--is putting his mother ahead of her.  When Al asks Tim about it, Tim gives him some very blunt advice: "You want to get married, have kids one day, right? [...] I don't see that happening with your mother!" In typical sitcom fashion, Al learns the error of his ways by the time the credits roll.  Even if it's not another person, having something be a bigger priority than your relationship is a one-way ticket to splitsville.

Years ago, I gained an aunt when a lady married my uncle; my mom's only brother.  The two of them passed away a long time ago...but, they almost didn't get married! My uncle--who was that odd uncle everyone has--was too enamored with his canine companions to think about saying, "I do"; even when they did get married, they didn't live in the same house (no joke), and she was constantly complaining about him.  She once joked about "growing an extra set of legs and a tail" in order for him to love her.  I've never been one to go to the dogs, but, sometimes, that's what I think my female friends are thinking when it comes to my entertainment: "The only way he would ever go out with me is if I got my own show on the Disney Channel, or took down a bad guy with super strength and heat vision like Supergirl, or suddenly transformed into Mindy McConnell, Lizzie McGuire, or one of those Australian mermaids." Since none of those are likely to happen to any of my friends--especially the latter ones!--it seems that they'll never be able to get my attention; at least, not the way they want.

The truth--as much as it pains me to admit it--is this: Entertainment is where my heart has always lied.  I was never one to really get that into things, unless they had to do with entertainment.  That's why I work at a library: I shelve, arrange, and organize books, CDs, audiobooks, DVDs, magazines, etc.,...aka entertainment.  When I was younger, my family members tried to get me into other things--swimming lessons, Boy Scouting, AVID, a local program called Chrome, etc.--and I just wasn't interested...because they had nothing to do with entertainment.  During my last two years of high school, my classmates--and others--were practically begging me to go to ring dance--aka junior prom--and senior prom, and I didn't go...because I just wasn't interested; I would much rather have stayed home and watched television.  You probably think, "That's crazy! How could you miss both of your proms? You're going to regret that one day!" Well, it's been over a decade, and I still don't; that wasn't a priority back then, and still isn't today.  Seeing references to school dances does not bother me one bit; I know the ones at my schools would have been much bawdier than the one in Good Luck Charlie.

At times, entertainment being my priority has caused problems.  You may remember the oft-quoted lament from a former friend after our "falling out": "That's just great! Some actress you're never going to meet gets more respect than a real-life friend! Yes, I'm being sarcastic!" If she had realized my true intent with what I said--that my statement was intended to make her laugh, and I never wanted her or anyone else to actually do what I said--she would have realized that I meant no disrespect.  Still, I think others have unfriended me because of my shameless devotion to entertainment; they know what's going on with Siobhan Magnus, but they have no idea what's going on with me.  I can't stop people from unfriending me, and I have to be true to myself...and that means being an entertainment lover.  Practically all of my previous obsessions and even all of my interests in general fall into that category: computer games, video games, book series, comic strips, celebrities, and, especially, television shows! Seriously: Who else do you know who learned his/her letters from Wheel of Fortune?

Now, for my conclusion: For this coming year, my resolution--well, one of them, anyway--is to not worry about my relationship status anymore.  I'll use the Italian adage: E buona notte al secchio! Literally translated, it means, "And good night to the pail!" Figuratively, it means, "That's that; there's nothing more I can do!" Seriously, I've done everything in my power to change my relationship status, and nothing has worked; I'm simply going to let go and let God.  If it happens, great; who knows? It may happen in 2017! It may never happen, though, but I have plenty to love in my life--my family, my friends, and my hobbies--without a significant other.

Is My Entertainment Diet Preventing Me From Getting A Date?

Unless you've known me all my life--and few of you have--you probably identified me with some sort of entertainment when you first met me...and you probably still do.  What it was depends on when and where we met: it could have been anything from Nintendo GameCube to the Disney Channel (of course) to Scooby-Doo and Pokémon (two very different franchises...at the same time) to even Garfield.  Whatever it was, you probably heard more about it than you cared to; thankfully, I'm past the days of talking about my favorite things for half an hour...because nobody wants to hear that, unless they're trying to fall asleep! As a kid, it took me longer to differentiate between fantasy and the real world; I still thought my favorite cartoons were real as late as fourth grade...but that eventually subsided.  Plus, as I got more into live-action television, they had a real aspect to them; Lizzie McGuire may not have been a real person, but Hilary Duff, who played her, was.

Still, I often have trouble differentiating between fantasy and reality...just in a different way.  Other than superhero cartoons, most of the shows I watch have a realistic aspect to them...but, it can be hard to tell what can really happen and what can't.  Can a problem really be worked out this easily? Would one of my female friends be as understanding as the young woman in this Disney Channel Original Movie? Is what they're doing in this book as fun as it sounds? Lately, it seems that the line between fantasy and reality continues to be blurred; we have fictional bands such as the Monkees and Lemonade Mouth who sell records like hotcakes, and books that are "written" by people who don't even exist.  Seriously, I came across a Lost tie-in book where the usual "This is a work of fiction" disclaimer was accompanied by words I'd never seen previously: "Even the author himself is a fictional character." That just makes it all the more confusing for people like me.

As usual, I'll do my three points.  First off: Entertainment has set unrealistic expectations for relationships for me.  Most romantic comedies--at least, the kind I watch--feature a man and woman who, at first, don't care for each other...then, they fall in love...and, then, they get married.  Sometimes, people go from first meeting to saying, "I do," rather quickly; I have a friend who did just that, is still married, and must have been for a while, because she has a college-aged daughter.  Not knowing each other for very long isn't a sign that you're headed for divorce rather quickly any more than knowing each other all your lives means you'll stay together until you die.  Still, in most cases--especially in the Christian realm, where marriage is held as a divine institution--people want to know someone well before they marry them.  To a degree, I agree with that; I'm the kind of person who likes to know what I'm getting before I get it.  If something unexpected happens, and it throws a wrench in our plans, it throws me for a loop...and it did even worse to me when I was younger.  Still, when it comes to meeting single girls around my age, I've started planning what "our song" would be or my niece calling them "aunt" before I've even asked them out.  When a certain high school classmate--guess which one--told me she wasn't interested in dating after I told her how I felt about her, I was shocked, because I wasn't really interested in dating either.  What was I interested in? Hanging out together, and eventually getting married...but not dating; who needed that mess? Apparently, I do, or else I'm not going to get anywhere relationship-wise.

Second off: Entertainment has set unrealistic expectations when it comes to resolving conflicts.  My mom has a DVD by author/motivational speaker Andy Andrews where he says that "anger management" is a crock; what it really should be about is anger resolution.  I say the same thing about conflicts; instead of holding on to them, just work them out! That's a product of growing up on sitcoms and movies where problems were resolved by the time the credits rolled.  Tim Taylor listened to Wilson and made up for what he did to his wife; the troubled kid nearly prevented his mother's marriage, until someone found the one person he would listen to; Dr. Sloan found the one piece of evidence that convicted the murderer; and...well, you get it.  Unfortunately, it seems that far too many people are not like those characters; no matter what you say or do, they're not going to apologize or make up for what they've done.  You can get other people, including authority figures, involved; you can quote the Bible; you could explain it to them in terms so simple that a first grader could understand them...and it gets you nowhere; they're too obstinate to care.  I'm reminded of what I once heard about a celebrity couple--who will remain nameless--who got divorced when the wife became emotionally involved with another man.  While she cited "irreconcilable differences," her ex was quoted as saying, "There was only one irreconcilable difference: I wanted her to stay, and she wanted to leave."  That's the way it is way too many times, and not just in marital situations.  I often look back and realize how wrong I was about things...so, is it wrong to expect other people to see the errors of their ways? It sure seems like it.

Third off: Entertainment has set unrealistic expectations for what the women in my life should do.  Here's a quotation from a Facebook status of mine from September:

Disney Channel has a knack for having female protagonists who are at once smart, spunky, strong, sweet, and lovely. That may be just television, but, I believe that such women exist in real life...because I've known lots of them. True, some of them have been older--much older, in some cases--but, regardless of age, I admire them for who they are and what they do.

 You could say the same thing about other female leads from other favorite shows and movies of mine, such as Mindy McConnell, Supergirl, or Princess Leia.  Strong women have been the "in" thing for quite a while, and are present in practically every popular entertainment franchise these days; years ago, I read an article in one of my mom's magazines that said of the Disney Channel shows of the day, "It's like a Gloria Steinem field day!" So, when I've thought about a relationship, I've always expected the woman to take charge: to ask me out, to drive me in her car, to propose marriage to me, etc.  While that may be true in some relationships--and what isn't these days?--in most cases--especially with Christians, who hold fast to old-school values--it's solely up to the guy to take charge.  Honestly, I'm not used to leading; I'm the only guy I know who has never been in a leadership position.  I'm not married; I have no kids; I'm the low man on the totem pole at work; I have no younger siblings or even any younger first cousins; I've never been able to train our dogs to do anything more than "sit"; and, I have never been a Bible class teacher or leader of any sort, other than one brief impromptu attempt at leading singing.  In everything I've done, I've always been led by women somehow, even in male-focused organizations such as Cub/Boy Scouting...so, why wouldn't I expect a woman to take the lead in a relationship? It's what I see them do on television and in books all the time!  You may say that that's fiction, and it is...but it seems so real!

Now, for my two concluding points.  First off: I recently read a book that told of a lonely young woman whose "only companions at home were on the other side of the television screen."  I've felt that way, too; when my mom worked a lot, and I was left alone--or with my oldest sister, which was essentially like being alone--cable television and my Nintendo GameCube were my best friends.  I think that was why I did the whole celebrity crush thing: Lizzie McGuire and Maddie Fitzpatrick were the closest things I had to constant companions or dates for the evening.  I'm not alone as much now, but, I still wish I had a companion around my age who did things with me, who understood me, who I could talk with about anything.  I haven't had that in years; most of the friends who used to do things with me have moved, passed away, disappeared, or won't talk to me anymore.  If I could just find a friend like Lizzie, I'd be simply overjoyed.

Second off: One of the things about the entertainment franchises I've always liked is that they usually have an earnest goodness.  You may remember some years ago before Man of Steel came out, where the makers said that they were going to go "as dark as the character [of Superman] will allow," saying that such "earnest goodness" is a hard sell.  For me, it's not a tough sell; I've always liked Supe because of his good nature.  Then again, you have to remember that I was raised on other cutesy franchises, such as Garfield, Pokémon, and Disney.  Most of my favorite characters--regardless of gender or anything else--have such a trait...but, that's not usually the case in real life.  Everyone has their demons, so to speak, and you probably won't know about them unless you're really, really close to them...which I would be to a woman I was married to.  I've admired many Christian women I've known over the years, but...how do I know what they're like behind closed doors? If I were to do a Freaky Friday-style body switch with their husbands or kids--that is, nobody else knew about it--would I see a side of them I never knew existed? It's hard to say...but, I kind of don't want to find out; I could end up married to a jerk, and not know it until it was too late.  If that happened, I'd feel like shooting myself; I couldn't bear coming home to emotional abuse and harassment every day, because I've already suffered enough of that for a lifetime.

Why I Still Don't Feel Like an Adult...And Probably Never Will

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time hanging out with adults.  I usually preferred the company of people older than me because I couldn't stand the immaturity of people my age...and, to a degree, I still feel that way, as "young adults" can act like they're still in the seventh grade at times.  Still, I did have friends as a kid, though many of them I've hardly seen in years, as they moved away and/or we eventually lost contact.  While Facebook has helped on that front, it's hard when you don't have very much information to go on besides a very common first and last name combination.  When dealing with kids versus adults back then, there were some very big differences...and not just about maturity; in fact, while I knew plenty of immature kids, the ones who were my friends tended to act in a more mature way than many adults I knew.  Even less than two years away from the big three-oh, those traits are still true of most adults I know from anywhere--church, school, work, the neighborhood, my family, etc.--which is why I still feel like a kid among a bunch of adults.

What are the traits? First off: Adults can drive; kids can't. Yes, I know most people get their driver's license and first vehicle in high school, but I'm talking about "back in the day," like elementary or middle school.  If I knew an adult, chances were he or she could drive me from one place to another.  True, there were exceptions to that, but some of those people I had no idea lacked a driver's license until I was nearly an adult.  It wasn't even just me; some years ago, when I mentioned to some church friends that a fellow church member--remember, I don't name names on this blog!--didn't drive, people were shocked.  They had no idea because he/she didn't broadcast it like I always have; I've talked about it so much, people who don't even like me probably know I've never had my license.  Currently, most of the adults I know who don't drive are handicapped somehow...and I don't mean like I am with my "condition," which I've said before is not truly a disability.  However, despite the constant urging of others, I can't fight the feeling that driving is just not for me, for reasons that you may not know about.  The more I think about it, the more I think it's just not a good idea...but, because I don't drive, I feel like I'm still in elementary or middle school, relying on my family members and occasionally others to drive me to church, the used bookstore, garage sales, the doctor's office, etc.  Most of my friends my own age don't have to worry about that at all; they go and come as they please, and don't need someone else to take them where they need or want to go...which makes me feel like an outsider.

Second off: Adults are married or have been at one point; kids never have been. Again, there are exceptions to this rule, but...when I was a kid, I seldom knew any grown-ups who had never had a spouse.  Even if I never met their husband or wife, I knew that had said "I do" at one time in their lives.  My family members tended to get married young; in fact, the three women that raised me--my mom, my middle sister, and my grandmother--all got married when they were teenagers.  Even if I knew an adult who wasn't married when I first met him or her, they soon wed.  My fourth grade teacher wasn't married the year I had him, but he became that way the next year.  In seventh grade, my homeroom teacher had no husband, but a boyfriend who looked like Shaggy of Scooby-Doo fame...yet, I had her again eighth grade year, when she married him during Christmas break.  It was actually kind of funny: She went from a last name that everybody seemed to mispronounce or misspell to the surname Jones...which is something she said she had always hoped for.  Even the two teachers I had who were fresh out of college--my eighth grade Spanish teacher and my junior English teacher--were already married before the first day of class.

In recent times, while I do know some people around my age who aren't married and never have been, the list is getting shorter and shorter.  Just recently, a young lady on my friends list announced that she had been married for three months to a guy she had said to be simply dating, and just hadn't revealed it on Facebook yet.  Other friends of mine, including ones I practically grew up with, have been wed for quite a while now...yet, I haven't even been on a first date.  You know the stories of how I've tried to start a relationship and failed; that may have been divine protection, but, whatever the reason is, my lack of a wife still makes me feel like a kid...and as an outsider when hanging out with other adults, especially my coevals.

Third off: Adults have kids or are planning on having them; kids don't because they're still kids themselves.  Like with the other rules, there were a few exceptions, but, whether young or old, you could pretty much bet that the adults I knew had at least one child of some sort...or wanted to.  My aforementioned eighth grade homeroom teacher who got married during Christmas break announced before the year was up that she was expecting, though, she must have been due well after the year was over, because, even on the last day, she wasn't showing yet.  Even if my older friends didn't have biological children, they had stepchildren, adopted children, or some younger person who thought of them as a parental figure.  In all honesty, I have never wanted kids; I don't see myself as a father, partly because, growing up, I had no earthly father to speak of.  I remember a conversation I had with someone where I said that I didn't want to get married because I didn't want kids, and she said, "You don't have to have kids if you're married; we're married, and we don't have kids." That argument would have worked...if it hadn't been for the fact that I'd often heard her and her spouse talk about being parents one day...which they are now, and have been for a while.

When I was in middle school, I remember a friend telling me that he knew a girl who had gotten pregnant when she was only twelve, and bragged about it, saying, "I'm more woman than all y'all." I told my mom what my friend said, and she was disturbed by that, saying, "That's just a baby having a baby." Regardless of your beliefs about sex, I'm sure we can all agree that someone shouldn't become a parent if they're not mature to take care of a kid...and, at the age of twenty-eight, I'm still not, because I'm largely a kid myself, and not just because I watch the Disney Channel. A now-former friend once told me, "Jerry, I truly believe you have the potential to hold down a job, live on your own, and have a happy, full life with friends and, God willing, a wife/family."  While I've "held down a job" for nearly half a decade now, and I do have friends, it just doesn't seem like a wife and a family are in my future...at any point.

Now, for my two concluding points. First off: How can I know that these things aren't in my future? Simple: Logic! Years ago, I posted a Facebook note that upset some of my friends because it said that a relationship simply wasn't in my future, which I knew because I had correctly predicted other events before they happened, and they accused me of claiming to be omniscient.  I know what omniscient means--all-knowing--and just because I know a select few things will happen before they actually do doesn't mean I'm claiming anything of the sort.  Meteorologists tell you how the weather will be in the future...but can they tell you what your life will be like five years down the road? Of course not! Like someone who predicts the weather, I simply use the signs around me to come up with the likely outcome.  I may be wrong, but I wouldn't say something like that if I weren't relatively sure.

I've used logic like this before, and people were upset by it, but I knew I was right the whole time.  You may remember some years ago when I went to a place called Woodrow Wilson Rehab Center, which was for people with disabilities.  I'd heard good things about it, but that place did me no good; I left with nothing to show for it, and even the friends I made there have all since unfriended me.  That place didn't even do what they said they were going to do, and in more ways than one.  However, the biggest problem was something I always knew: I wasn't really disabled.  If I were, I wouldn't have been able to graduate with honors from my community college, or do most of the things I do on a regular basis.  If you look at the people I went there with, you'd see that they were worse off than I was, even if they had the same condition.  The problem was: Practically everyone I knew was begging and pleading with me to go, and I only went because I felt like I had no choice...even though I knew it was a mistake.  The same was true of Boy Scouting: I didn't want to join, but ended up doing it against my will...and found it to be terrible for reasons that I previously knew, and plenty more that I didn't.  Even when my mom brought home the infamous dog named Sparky in 2002, I knew it was a mistake, because he was a bigger dog, and we hadn't had a good track record with canines that size; some months prior, a friend gave us a purebred boxer to replace the dog we'd just lost, and we ended up giving it back; that big dog got out of our fenced-in backyard by merely jumping over, not to mention that it nearly knocked over my grandmother, who could have been seriously hurt, to try to get out of the house.  So, after that experience...why would we need another dog the same size? I told my mom to get rid of him, and that, by not doing so, she was "just prolonging the inevitable," but she disagreed...even after I was proven right when she ended up taking him back to the animal shelter, just like I said would happen from day one.  If she had listened, she could have avoided the heartbreak, or, at least, got it over with sooner...but nobody was willing to do that.

Second off: Many adults I know have made me want to stick to my childlike ways, even though they don't even know they've done it.  I recently saw a rather disturbing video online of a grown married woman who often acts like a baby or toddler, even though she is perfectly capable of adult conversation.  It isn't a sexual thing; it's just a fun thing that she and her husband like to do.  She is the kid; he is the father.  I don't regress in age that far back, but I can tell you that acting like a kid isn't just an act; it's who I am, whether you like it or not.  When I hear about the things adults have to deal with--divorces, becoming widows/widowers, disobedient children, accidental pregnancies both inside and outside of marriage, immature behavior that can't be stopped, etc.--I want no part of that; it makes me want to stick to being a kid.  When I sit around and watch Liv & Maddie or read Nancy Drew, it takes me from where I am to where I want to be: a world where people work together to easily resolve conflicts and solve problems, and one sans all the crudity and profanity that I've been bombarded with since I started middle school.  I may be tuning out the real world, but it seems like I need to; this planet has seriously gone past the point of no return.