Saturday, August 14, 2010

Favorite TV, Movie and Literary Moments

You all probably know that I love entertainment, especially TV, movies and books. So, now, I present some of my favorite snippets of dialogue and/or narration from things I've seen or read. Read these and see if you don't laugh.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
Chief: Sand trap!
[they crash through a sand trap]
Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
Chief: Tractor!
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
[they crash right into a swordfish]
Maxwell Smart: [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy cow, holy cow, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.
-- Get Smart (2008)

If something goes wrong with an e-mail you send, you'll get an e-mail from (which sounds like a character from Tron Meets the Exorcist.)
-- An old America Online for Dummies book I used to have

Brad: I got detention.
Jill: How could you get detention?!
Brad: Everybody gets detention sometime!
Jill: It's the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! No one ever gets detention on the first day of school!
Tim: I wouldn't say, "No one," honey.
-- Home Improvement

Bill Gaither: How stupid can you get, Mark?
Mark Lowry: You ain't seen nothin' yet!
-- I Do Believe music video

[Celebrities are trying to imitate Colin Mochrie]
Kermit the Frog: No, no, no; this is Colin. [goes behind "square," then comes back up with his face flattened]
[audience laughs like crazy]
Tom Bergeron: He's the Jim Carrey of felt!

Jiminy Glick: [to Martin Mull] You know, I just loved you in Adam-12.
[awkward silence]
Tom Bergeron: Wasn't that Martin Milner?
Jiminy Glick: Oh, yeah. He was good.
-- Hollywood Squares (1998-2004)

[Chelsea and Eddie watch as some psychic friends Raven has made are moving objects with their minds]
Eddie: Whoa! Chelsea, did you see that?
Chelsea: Yeah, I know. Gosh, that was a lot of pepper.
Eddie: Chelsea, that thing floated!
Chelsea: Yeah, it's still way too much pepper.
-- That's So Raven

When Jacob heard that grain was available in Egypt, he said to his sons, “Why are you standing around looking at one another?"
-- Genesis 42:1 (NLT)

-- Garfield (obviously ;])

[Elisha, during a creation/evolution debate] turned in her desk and glared at him. "Those bones support the muscles that keep you from pooping in your pants, in case you didn't know! But if you think you don't need yours..." She groped in her handbag and pulled out her wallet. "I will gladly pay for you to have yours removed!"
-- Hangman's Curse by Frank Peretti

Mr. Lunt: [to Pa and Larry, while Junior is sitting nearby] You know, those lobsters there remind me of my Aunt Tanya. You'll never believe this, but my Aunt Tanya was a lobster!
Pa Grape: Yea, right.
Mr. Lunt: I'm serious! Whenever she fell asleep, we used to pull at her tendons and make her legs move.
Pa Grape: Surrre.
Mr. Lunt: No, really! We tried it at the church picnic once, and we actually got her walking across the table!
Junior: What?!!
Mr. Lunt: Hey! They told me to ad-lib! If there's no script, you take what you can get, my friend!
Pa Grape: True, but you gotta admit: that was odd.
-- Outtakes from Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie

"That camera makes me look fat! I'm not really that fat!"
-- A former local celebrity (who will remain nameless) in the middle of her weather forecast

Mrs. Bitterman: Since you're here, I'd like you to fix my desk.
Assistant: Fix your desk.
Mrs. Bitterman: And, while you're at it, you can oil my chair for me.
Assistant: Oil your chair.
Mrs. Bitterman: You know, not everything is an innuendo!
Assistant: Innuendo.
-- It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie

Cruella: Congratulations! You have just won gold, silver and bronze in the Moron Olympics!
Horace: Who won the gold?
Cruella: SHUT UP!
-- 101 Dalmatians (1996 live-action film)

Ayel: Your species is even weaker than I expected...
[chokes Kirk]
Ayel: You can't even speak!
[Kirk garbles]
Ayel: What?
James T. Kirk: I've got your gun!
[shoots Ayel]
-- Star Trek (2009)

Captain James T. Kirk: I can't believe I kissed you!
Martia: [transformed into Kirk] Must have been your lifelong ambition!
-- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

"I be the Teletubby, wubby, wubby, stinkfish! Uh, that one white dude, uh...what was the question? Wuuuuuuuuuu-Taaaaaang!"
-- A fake quotation from rap star ODB in a joke article about a Game Informer staff member running for President

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