"I'm Not Lying!" "No, But You ARE Misinformed!"

If you learned math when you were in school--who didn't?--you probably remember learning about graphs.  Bar graphs, line graphs, pie charts...they came in all different varieties, shapes, and colors.  When I was in sixth grade, my math teacher assigned us to take a poll of our class on an assigned subject--mine was, "What is your favorite candy bar?"--and draw the results onto a bar graph, much like the one seen to the right.  Previously, due to my condition, I had been allowed to do assignments that involved drawing on some sort of desktop publishing software--usually ClarisWorks--and I tried to tell my teacher that year that I should be allowed to do that again...but she wouldn't allow it.  Her exact words were, "I don't want you to just push a button and have it made for you!" This teacher wasn't elderly--in fact, she was pregnant the year I had her--but her assumption that computers were magical, mind-reading machines made her sound like someone who didn't know the first thing about them.  I ended up with a "D" on the assignment, and was the only one in my class who got a grade below a "C"; however, that was actually because I had misplaced the chart that was supposed to accompany it thanks to my ever-present disorganization.  Regardless, I couldn't believe that a relatively young teacher would assume such a thing about PCs and Macs; when she was using a computer during a related arts computer class, the first thought I had was, "Wow! You actually know how to use one!" I'd never have thought such a thing if she hadn't assumed my printer would spit out a properly labeled graph with just the push of one key.

Unfortunately, such incidents happen fairly often, and more so now than back in 1999, when the above story took place.  I came across a quotation from Paul McCartney in a 2012 Rolling Stone interview where he said, "I just saw some Beatles program the other night, and in the first five minutes were four mistakes.  This is why we don't know who Shakespeare was, or what really happened at the Battle of Hastings." One would think that TV documentaries would be more reliable than random websites or even Wikipedia, but that Beatle's response to what he saw on the telly says that's not so.  It isn't just with rock legends; misinformation is everywhere, and there are plenty of people who are misinformed, but don't know that they are.

I'm pretty sure all of you reading this have gotten into an argument with someone.  Whether it was your spouse/significant other, your son/daughter, a co-worker, an friend or acquaintance, or anyone else, it was likely a result of two disagreeing parties, and it may have been that one or both of them believed something that wasn't actually true, but refused to see the error of his/her/their ways.  In the case of my sixth grade teacher, I didn't defend my case for fear of getting into trouble; in cases where that wasn't an issue, I fought long and hard to defend what I believed.  You may think that a smart guy like me would be in the right about most things, but there were many times where I was seriously wrong.  On the way back from church camp in 1998, my sister and I got into an argument because I had responded with insults to kids who had insulted me.  She mentioned the Golden Rule, and I said that it called for revenge; if they had called me names, didn't that "rule" give me the right to call them names as well? Later on, I realized that I'd sorely misunderstood it; when they said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," I heard, "Do unto others as they have done unto you."  It took me years to realize that, though, and it wasn't the last time I would get into an argument over something about which I was mistaken.

You all probably know that I talk about how being different is among my signature traits.  It's true that I'm unique...but, sometimes, that causes a problem.  When I look at others who are following the "traditional" way, I've been known to look down on them, thinking that my way is better than theirs.  It's true that people have praised my unique traits--my dedication to morally correct entertainment, my knowledge of the Bible, my ability to remember years-old stories in such detail, etc.--but that does not give me a right to feel that I'm superior to anyone else, because I'm sure most of you reading this can do things I myself can't.  Plus, that attitude is not conducive to making friends...or winning people over for Christ.  Though I realize that now, such a habit will be insanely hard to break.  Not only that, but, everyone talks about my lack of confidence being a problem...without realizing that such a habit is my attempt at having confidence! It may come off as pride, but, honestly, pride is nothing more than hyper-confidence, and we all know what the Bible says about pride!

I think the key here--for me, at least--is to not assume that I have all of the answers.  Even if I have information right from the source, sitting there trying to get someone else to believe me doesn't do me any good.  I'm reminded of a friend who once told me about an incident where a kid was complaining that her daughter wouldn't stop chasing him; her exact words were, "I told him: If he didn't run, she couldn't chase." Instead of trying to convince somebody else that he/she is wrong, it's best to just let it go; as the old Billy Joel song says, "You may be right; I may be crazy! You may be wrong, for all I know, but you may be right!" (What, you thought classic rock didn't have any merit?) It's one thing if it's a big deal, but, when it comes to trivial matters...why push it? There are enough problems on our planet without adding paltry affairs into the mix!

Any comments?

On Being Social...And NOT Being Social

It was the summer of 1995.  Bill Clinton was in the White House, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was insanely popular with kids all over America, and I was only seven years old.  My sister, however--the one who is still living, that is--was graduating from high school.  To celebrate the end of her twelve years of school, my family had a graduation party for her.  It was quite the big affair; we had it at my aunt's house, because ours was too small, and many of our immediate and extended family members, as well as my sister's friends, came and had a grand old time.  Even though it wasn't my party, I was allowed to bring my best friend at the time.  I don't remember much about it, but, from what I do recall, it seems like a blast was had by all.

Fast forward eleven years to 2006, the year I graduated from high school.  After what you just read, you'd probably expect that my graduation party was also an extravaganza of sorts, right? Well, you'd be wrong.  Instead of having friends and extended family over, I was given a "surprise" party where no one was in attendance other than me and my immediate family members.  (I said "surprise" in quotes because I figured out what they were up to, albeit only a few minutes before the surprise was revealed.)  No extended family members nor any of my friends from anywhere--church, school, etc.--even knew about it until it was over and done.  Just last year, upon thinking about that, I asked myself a rather disturbing question: Why did I have more of my friends at someone else's graduation party--that is, my sister's, which is the only other one I've ever attended--than at my own?

Since I wasn't the one who planned that party--it was supposed to be a surprise, after all--I asked my mother about that, and she had no idea why my graduation party lacked friends.  My brother-in-law probably doesn't remember either--he and my mom both worked nights during that time, which makes one forgetful--and I'd rather not ask my sister, so, that means I can only make guesses as to why.  Did they just want it to be a family thing? Possibly.  Would inviting all of the people I considered friends require more space than my sister and brother-in-law had? Maybe.  However, I think the most likely reason was even more disturbing: Despite what I might have believed at the time, I really didn't have any true friends.

You may be thinking, "What? You not having any friends? Siobhan, that's crazy! You had so many friends in high school and at your church, it's not even funny!" Well...that depends on what your definition of friend is.  Of course I had plenty of people I talked to often, but, when it came to actually "hanging out" with a crowd, that never really happened.  Even during lunch period at high school, I often ended up going to the school's library to go check the sole online forum where I was a member, and then waited in the classroom all by myself until everyone else arrived.  My junior English teacher understood that I did so because I didn't "have anywhere else to go."  When it came to doing things with my friends outside of school, church, or wherever I knew them from...that pretty much stopped after a while.  There were two kids in my neighborhood who liked to play Nintendo GameCube with me, but they ended up moving.  Another kid my mom was taking care of stopped coming over just as my freshman year ended.  If I did do something with people outside my family, it was either a pre-planned outing with a general invite--i.e., "We're having a game night, and the whole church is invited!"--or it was with older friends, not people my own age; even the latter didn't happen all that often.  Even in the years since high school, people who had previously invited me to social outings now won't even talk to me anymore, only because of my incorrect actions towards them, and, after what I did, I doubt I will ever be friends with those people again, which just breaks my heart.

It's no surprise that I spent most nights with the computer and television as my only companions.  It's not that I didn't get invites; even in the past half-decade, I've had people ask if I wanted to go somewhere and do something, and I sometimes had some dumb excuse: "I already saw that movie." "I'd rather not." "I'm not in the mood right now." "You know I don't like theme parks." Sometimes, people got really offended by my refusal, as polite as it was; they were trying to do something nice, and I declined without really any good reason.  There were several incidents where I realized afterwards that I shouldn't have refused; even if I'd already seen the movie or the activity was something I didn't think I'd like, going somewhere with friends and/or family sure beat sitting by myself doing essentially nothing, whether at home or elsewhere.

Even when I did attend "social" events, I acted in a way that prevented socializing.  I was once at a game night at my church, and chose to sit there with headphones on my ears and my face in a book.  My sister and brother-in-law reprimanded me for doing that, saying that I could sit and read a book at home; I countered with the fact that, at the first game night at our church, some people did nothing but sit and read the paper.  For a while after that, I still believed I was right...but, today, I realized what those immediate family members of mine were saying: If you attend a social event, but send off signals that you don't want to interact with anyone, that makes people feel like you don't want to be friends with them, which could be potentially offensive and upsetting.

So, what's the lesson to be learned from all of that? If I want more social interaction with people, I have to act in a way that shows that I want it.  That means that I have to be interested in what other people have to say, instead of just dominating the conversation; I can't just hole up and refuse to talk to anyone; if someone invites me to something, I shouldn't refuse without a good reason; and, I can't use the actions or excuses of others to defend my own missteps.  Maybe that way, I will make more friends and spend less time feeling lonely and despondent.

I do want to make three things very clear.  First off: I do realize that I need to branch out.  Most of you probably think that, if you invited me to a sporting event or a theme park, the answer would be a solid, strong, non-negotiable "NO!" However, you might be surprised to know that I actually have attended sporting events with friends, ranging from a hockey match featuring a local team to a high school football game, albeit not one where my high school was playing.  Even with theme parks, there was a time where I couldn't shut up about going to the ones in my area, but, I later claimed that my tastes had changed, and I "hated" such places, which made it sound like I had some traumatic incident at one...but I didn't; in all honesty, it was easier just to not care about such places, plus it made me different, if only for the sake of being different.  As for my other well-known dislike: Just as much as I've always liked computers, celebrities, and entertainment--in various forms, anyway--I've always strongly disliked beaches, pools, and similar places.  At first, I attended outings to such places just because others were doing so...but, after a while, I'd had enough, and decided I just couldn't do it anymore.  I even got mad at my mom for buying me a pair of swimming shorts, because I couldn't believe she would expect me to ever participate in such an activity.  Over the years, I've used everything from a phobia to a religious conviction to supposedly being uncomfortable with the exposure required as the reasoning behind why I wouldn't do it...when, really, the only reason was just my attitude.  Of course I'm not going to like something if I go into it thinking it's going to be horrible! My mom told me that I just needed to give swimming a chance, and then, I might like it; though I thought that claim was ridiculous when I first heard it, now that I think about it, she is actually right.  That said, the refusal to consume morally offensive entertainment is part of a religious conviction, and, therefore, won't change.

Second off: I realize that the situation I am currently in can hurt my chances for being invited to social events.  It's not just the previous actions described above; the fact that I lack a car or a driver's license also causes problems, because who wants to go well out of his/her way just to pick up someone? I'll make efforts to change that in the future, though I still have my doubts.  Beyond that: Believe it or not, being single also has the same effect.  You may be thinking, "But...if you don't constantly have someone tagging along with you, doesn't that make it easier?" Not exactly.  Let me explain it to you this way: In the southern US--where I live--it's a tradition to get married young.  Many of my friends, friends of friends, and family members, whether coeval, elderly, or anywhere in between, got married well before they were my age, sometimes even when they were still technically teenagers.  Though it's not that big of a problem when hanging out with significantly older folks--who tend to see me as one of their kids--it is when I try to befriend young couples, because I can be and have been a "third wheel" at times.  Some years ago, at my church's annual fall picnic, I spent most of the time hanging out with my fellow young adults, all of whom were married.  Well after the fact, another church member told me that someone told her during that outing, "[Siobhan] won't leave the young people alone!" Though I probably will never know who said it, I have two problems with that person's statement: One, am I not included in "the young people"? Does my lack of a wedding ring exclude me from being considered a young adult? I think not! Two, I'd always thought that one was supposed to hang out with coeval people.  Of course, I have friends of all ages; I know people in high school and others who are old enough to be my parents that are still just as much my friends as those around my age.  Still, during a social outing, I thought the unwritten rule is that one hangs out with those with whom one has things in common, and usually age is first and foremost.  If I can't hang out with those around my age just because I have no wife...that's actually quite disturbing to think about, given my likely romance-less future.  Still, lacking wheels and a significant other is a double hindrance to social interaction.

Third off: I can't let my social life take over everything else.  I once heard about a young lady who botched an interview for an internship somewhere because she told the interviewer that she was afraid getting hired there was going to negatively impact her social life.  No doubt you've heard similar stories of other interview mishaps; still, my point in mentioning that is such a mistake is an example of mismatched priorities.  Even beyond the working world, time by ourselves is something we all need.  You've probably heard the old story about a married couple who have children not long after saying, "I do," and, when the kids move out, the husband and wife don't even know each other anymore, because they spent most of their spare time with their children.  It's true that married people--whether they don't have any kids or have a whole dozen of them--need their alone time.  However, I would wager a guess--and this is just me--that even married folks need time to fly completely solo, without their constant co-pilot.  Jesus was very much a people person; the crowds followed Him around (Matthew 4:25), and He never seemed to mind.  The kids even liked Him (Luke 18:16), and they wouldn't have if He weren't sociable and personable.  However, even He needed time by Himself, and he got that while wandering in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-2).  He also sought time to be alone after the murder of His cousin and friend John the Baptist (Matthew 14:13).  If the only perfect and sinless person who has ever lived needed time on His own...why wouldn't we?

In conclusion, I will say this: Back in 2009, my father wanted me to come along with him and a family friend to go see the Star Trek reboot in theaters.  I declined, telling him that I'd already seen it in IMAX with some other friends--which he already knew--and told him I'd rather go volunteer at my local library instead.  He was not too happy with me, and neither was my mother; even an employee at said library criticized me for not joining in, saying that she herself had seen it in the cinema more than once already.  For a while after that, I couldn't see why I was in the wrong; how could that not be a valid excuse? That way of thinking actually was because of multiple past incidents, at least one of which I may have been remembering subconsciously:

• In 2005, a college kid who always hung out with the high school group at my church was invited to see Revenge of the Sith at the theater with us, but declined, saying he had already seen it.
• In 1997, I was on an outing with a friend, and we were talking about Flubber, which he and I had recently seen at the theater, albeit not together.  We both liked it, and I talked about getting the movie on video, but he wanted no part of that, saying, "If I already saw it, why would I want to see it again?"
• In 1995, I was in the now-defunct store Hills with my sister, when I saw that they had Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie on video, and wanted to get it.  My sister said I didn't need it because I had already seen it. (It was true; I had.)

However, really, none of that should have mattered, because I'm sure my father's feelings were hurt when I said I'd rather sit around and process discarded books than do something fun with him.  Other people--including some of you who are reading this--have likely felt the same way towards me at times; how could your friend or family member decline an offer to do something special with you, only to sit at home and do the same stuff he can do anytime? I can't do that anymore; such actions have done nothing but made others feel bad and lessened my chances of those people inviting me to do something with them again.

"What Do You Think?" Well, Does It Really Matter?

When I was younger, I considered myself a rebel.  I don't mean someone who flagrantly breaks laws or defies rules; anyone who knows me knows that never has been my style.  What I mean is: I was someone who did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and didn't really care what anyone else had to say about it.  In fact, there were some cases where people saying that I shouldn't do whatever made me all the more inclined to do it, usually because that person was either a middle school bully or just as immature and mouthy as you'd expect one to be.  I had my favorite shows, video games, books, movies, celebrities, etc., and I displayed them on my binder regardless of what anyone else had to say about them.  I also wasn't one for social events; though I rarely missed church and/or related events--and, if I did, it was almost always because of something that couldn't be helped, such as sickness or not being able to find a ride--I knew that friends of mine were doing activities with other friends...but it didn't bother me in the slightest.  In fact, it seemed to cause more problems when I didn't want to attend an activity than when I did; in 2004, I had an altercation with the associate minister/youth leader at my church at the time only because everybody--not only him and the other "sponsors", but all of the other members of the group--wanted me to attend a beach outing.  When I tried to politely refuse, all they did was refute my reasoning, and the leader and I had a discussion about it afterwards that did little more than make me realize that I was better off staying home and watching Lizzie McGuire instead.  I didn't seem to mind very much that I didn't have others--that is, other than immediate family members--to join me on my usual activities; I had fun and enjoyed what I did, regardless.

In recent times, that seems to have changed.  Instead of doing what I think/know is right, I ask anyone who will listen, "What do you think I should do?" Since I have a wide range of friends--male and female, younger and older, Christian and non-religious, liberal and conservative, etc.--it's to be expected that I would get a broad range of responses.  While one group of friends might tell me not to do something, another group might say, "No; go ahead and do it!", which only leads to indecisiveness; I can't take both parties' advice! It's one thing to ask for help from someone more knowledgeable about some topic--parenting, technology, etc.--but to know what to do and still ask every friend or acquaintance you can about which course of action to take doesn't help anybody.

So, what's to be done? I think the answer is simple; instead of going around asking people what course of action to take, I should just go back to my old ways and do what I know is best, regardless of what whoever or whatever--other than God and my parents, that is--has to say about it.  Of course I'm going to have my naysayers; who doesn't? Still, as long as I'm not violating Biblical commandments or flagrantly disobeying my parents, who's to say I'm wrong?

I want to make three things very clear.  (Yes, I know; the whole "three points" is a usual sermon thing, but, hey...I was raised in the church!) First off: Regardless of how strong my preferences are, they are not to apply to anyone else.  Most if not all of you know what my likes are--family-friendly entertainment, Apple technology, libraries, and the like--and what my dislikes are: sports, pets, theme parks, anything morally offensive, anything to do with large bodies of water, and...well, you know.  In the past, I believed that anything I disliked should be banned from the entire country, if not the entire planet.  I used to say that if the federal government banned sports, it'd be cause for celebration.  So what if there were millions of sports fans worldwide? In my opinion--at the time, anyway--they were all fanatics, and, therefore, sports should be taken away.  Now, I realize that such a belief was wrong for two reasons: Not only do I not have any right to call others "fanatics"--pot and kettle!--but just because one person--anyone, really--doesn't like something doesn't mean that it should be taken away from the millions who do.  If some random person somewhere can't stand the Disney Channel, does that mean that every cable and satellite provider worldwide should remove it from their lineup? Of course not! You people--friends, enemies, random Internet users, whoever--can go do whatever you want, whenever you want; that's not for me to control.  If you want to include me, fine; the only thing I ask is that you don't push it if I politely refuse.

Second off: I do need to keep others' preferences in mind.  Let's face it: We all have at least something--or, maybe, someone--we can't stand.  Regardless of what or who it is, it's something or someone that you probably do your best to avoid.  You probably wouldn't be too happy if said item or person was shoved in your face, right? Well, that's how some people feel about the things I like! As popular as Disney Channel is, I've known people who have said that they hated it.  What's the proper response? Try to convince them of how great the network is? No! What I should do is refrain from talking with them about it, and try to find something else we might have in common.  Sure, I can still talk about it...but with other people.  Thrusting my favorite things into people's faces doesn't really win me any friends.

Lastly: That said, I can't worry about people's opinions when they're flat-out ridiculous.  Some years ago, a friend from church's parents were in town, and they came to church services with her.  That particular Sunday happened to be a "teen takeover," and the sermon was done by a teenaged boy, not a professional preacher.  Despite the kid's best efforts--and, in my opinion, he did a wonderful job--said friend's parents complained to other members of the church for multiple reasons, one being that the sermon didn't include the steps to salvation.  The whole thing caused a bit of a ruckus, and it could have been avoided if my friend's parents had just remained quiet about the matter.  So what if they were used to hearing the steps to salvation in every sermon? If they wanted that, they should have gone to their own church! It was nothing more than personal preference, and I imagine the teens' feelings were hurt by someone who walked in to another church and demanded that it be just like their own.  The moral of the story: Believe it or not, some people have some ridiculous opinions.  Of course, that's subjective, but, seriously...treating Growing Pains reruns as if they're pornography, or "Na nu, na nu!" as if it's a dirty word, is just insane.  (Yes, I did know someone who held such beliefs, and was even more shocked when other people defended that individual for expressing said opinions.) I know I'll never please such people, so, I'll just let them shoot off at the mouth, and keep doing what it is I'm doing.  Those folks are the "middle school bully" kind of people I mentioned earlier; why do I need to listen to them?

In conclusion, I will say this: There are some people who are quick to dispense with their opinions.  I knew a person once who complained to someone else about a boy whose separation anxiety was so bad, he sat with his mother during a ladies' class at church.  Said complainer felt--rather strongly, I should add--that the kid should go to the class for his own age, not be glued to his mother.  However, when I heard that, I immediately had this thought: Regardless of the complainer's opinion, it was not his/her decision to make! His/her complaint was merely a waste of breath, as the person he/she complained to was just as powerless to make a change.  I'm sure you've known people just like that; when they've got an opinion, you know you'll hear it.  However, as my mom has always said, "Opinions are a dime a dozen!" If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that people are going to find fault no matter what I do; therefore, why worry about it? If others want to judge me...well, that's on them.

Me and Hugging: The REAL Story

If you've been around me whenever I see one of my female friends--or, if you are one of them--you no doubt have seen me hug someone, if you haven't received one yourself.  It's not just friends I haven't seen in months; almost every time I'm at church, I hug every female friend I see, even though I just saw them last week.  Most of the ladies don't seem to mind; if they did, I wouldn't do it.  Still, the question that begs to be asked is: How did it start? How did I become such a hugger?

Like any little kid, I hugged certain adults when I was younger.  However, the first memorable hug I remember was actually in a dream, where I hugged a female fictional character.  After I had it, I couldn't shut up about it, not realizing that I was embarrassing myself by talking about it.  My mom thought that I had a crush on said woman, but that actually wasn't the case; the only reasons I remarked about it as much as I did was because not only was it the first "lucid dream"--that is, one where I could choose what I did instead of simply watching what happened--I remember having, but it was also the only one up to that point where I actually felt something physically.  Up to that point, all my dreams had been like television shows or movies; even when I was "in" the dream, I still had no way to say or do what I wanted (that I remembered, anyway), and I could only see or hear what was going on.

After that, I got occasional hugs from friends--usually older, but sometimes coeval--but the hugs really started when I was a junior in high school.  Unfortunately, that was because of my sister's death; when people heard of what happened, that was their immediate response.  Even a classmate I barely knew opened up her arms when she heard of the tragic incident.  Some months later, a friend I'd known since seventh grade gave me a quick hug every time she saw me, and it wasn't long after that when other lady friends started to follow suit.  Sometimes, giving a lady a hug was a product of a crush; I did just that to my junior English teacher, whom everyone knew I had a thing for, and I always said that, if I met Hilary Duff or Anne Hathaway, that's the first thing I would do.  Over time, though, it eventually evolved into a friendly gesture, which I still do quite often to this day.

My concluding point: I understand that guys don't generally hug, except for family members and elderly people.  Still, even some ladies have had a problem with it; one former coeval member of my church told me that she'd rather I give her a handshake, though she made an exception when I wanted to congratulate her on being pregnant.  Another time, a teenage girl I'd just met--just last year, that is--seemed to be uncomfortable with me hugging her.  In those cases, I should refrain from hugging them ever again; however, since the vast majority of my female friends have no problem with it, I'll go ahead and keep doing it to them.  (If you've got a problem with it, you've got to tell me.)  For me, a handshake is just too formal; I remember hearing a lady talking about how she was disappointed with a guy she'd met online only because, when she met him in person, he merely shook her hand.  Of course, I must live at peace with everyone--Romans 12:18, remember?--and, if it truly bothers someone, then I must put a stop to it.  Still, I can't worry about others' judgmental opinions.  You'd be surprised at what people say about guys like me who mostly hang out with people of the opposite gender.  Not only are there the standard accusations of being a "womanizer" or "skirt-chaser," but some people even assume that such a guy is homosexual.  A random commentator on the now-defunct website Jump the Shark said, "Is Gordo gay? Doesn't he have any guy friends he can hang out with?" Yes, he was talking about Lizzie McGuire; still, what guy wouldn't want a gorgeous blonde and a lovely Latina as his best friends? My point is: I can't be held accountable for those who want to jump to conclusions; such people need to realize that they themselves will be judged accordingly.

Who Can I Trust?

When I was a sophomore in high school, it became apparent that, in order for me to graduate on time and complete the classes I needed, I would have to take a class during the following summer.  The lead special ed teacher wanted me to take an Outdoor P.E. class, but I wanted to take chemistry instead.  When I first told her that, she simply said, "I don't think that's a good idea," but, I continued to press her, and she later said, "They don't even offer it." Though the former statement may have been her own opinion--which she is entitled to--the latter one was actually a lie, as I saw a list of students taking chemistry the first day of summer school, which just infuriated me.  As usual, I vented my frustrations to anyone who would listen, and told people that the teacher had lied to me.  My mom said I was mistaken, because she believed that said teacher had never said they didn't offer it; my sister and brother-in-law, as well as at least one other person, said that my teacher must have been mistaken, because, as they put it, "A teacher's not going to tell a flat-out lie to a student." I wasn't convinced of either defense, though; I knew that woman said what I quoted her as saying, and she was too smart to be mistaken about such a thing.  Instead, she probably just lied so that I wouldn't keep pressing her about taking chemistry instead.  Thanks to her little fib, I sustained the worst injury I've ever had in my life.  Not only that, but...previous teachers--as early as kindergarten; no joke!--said or did things to me or others in my class that many of you older folks would consider unthinkable...but most of my coeval friends would not be the least bit surprised by.  That's not to say all teachers were that way; some of them were wonderful, even going out of their way to look out for me, and those who fall into that category would likely find the misdeeds of their colleagues/co-workers a besmirching of their profession.

It isn't just teachers, though; I often find that people who are in a position where there is some sort of propriety and/or decorum expected fail miserably.  No doubt you've seen or heard stories about police officers, politicians, actors/actresses from kids' shows, and even preachers who have messed up big time.  True, some of them realize their mistake(s) and make an honest apology; however, it seems like, in many cases, you can't tell someone not to do or say whatever, because that's judging.  Such people fail to realize the meaning of Romans 12:18: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (NIV) Still, whether it's unbusinesslike conduct while on the job or "twerking" in front of the entire planet, it seems like caring about others' feelings has gone by the wayside.

I'll be honest: One of my biggest problems throughout my life has been paranoia.  If anyone said something that turned out not to be true, I automatically assumed he/she was lying; I was afraid to open packages of uncertain origin because I thought one of my enemies might be sending me a bomb; when I misplaced something, I almost always believed it was stolen; I refused to do certain things--Relay for Life, for example--solely because I was afraid of what my peers might do.  I've even gone as far as making enemies out of people who meant me no harm.  A friend replied to a blog post about tolerance with this statement: "One thing to keep in mind is that tolerance goes both ways.  I know some people don't tolerate you very well, myself included sometimes.  But it also appears that you don't tolerate some people at some times either.  Something to think about." Though I may not have realized it at the time, she was exactly right; when you go as far as changing your seat to avoid even seeing someone's face, even though that person had never done anything to you, that is intolerance for sure.

It's no secret that there are plenty of people out there who don't mind taking advantage of others.  People will sell items that they say are in working condition, even when they know that's not the case; others will be given money to purchase permits in order for a festival to be legally held, only to take the cash with no intention of actually using it for its intended purpose, which hurts thousands of would-be attendees; still others will get new release DVDs through likely illegal means and trade them in at MovieStop or elsewhere only because they know that they're worth top dollar credit, even though a simple background check shows there's a warrant for their arrest.  Those of you who use the Internet regularly know about secure and non-secure websites, and how to tell on your browser of choice which is which.  Unfortunately, when it comes to people you encounter in real life, it's much more difficult to tell.  Some people have a rule that starts with, "Never trust anybody who..." Some years ago, when I was asked what my version of that rule was, I said, "Never trust anybody who isn't God." The people in the room with me were offended, because that implied that I didn't trust any of them.  Honestly, there are some people I trust, such as family members and longtime friends; in fact, there are times when I've been too trusting.  I once asked a somewhat older female Facebook friend for advice about a situation she knew nothing about previously, only because she had just added me that day, and never has met me in person.  When I was explaining the details, she asked, "Why in the world are you telling me this?" I trusted her--and, therefore, was "telling" her that--for several reasons, actually: She was a woman, a Christian, somewhat older, and there was no one else online at the time who I trusted to give me advice for such a situation.  Unsurprisingly, she unfriended me a mere few weeks later.

One thing I do not want to do--but seem to end up doing nonetheless--is to question a true friend's intentions.  I say that because of what happened with my former best friend, Emily.  Before you get all up in arms, I'm not going to bash her, because I now realize that she did absolutely nothing wrong.  The problems we had were all my doing, because my attitude was completely wrong.  All we did was talk about my problems, whereas I couldn't have cared less about hers; when she was invited to a social outing by another alumni from our high school, I got offended by the fact that I wasn't invited, even though I didn't really hang out with Emily, the one who invited her, or really anyone when I was in high school; when everybody else was happy for her upon her engagement, I was furious, especially since I'd had a premonition of sorts about it, but hoped it was wrong; and, some of her statements seemed to contradict each other, even though the only reason I found any contradictions was because I was looking for them.  Unfortunately, though it'd be easy to say that I'd learned my lesson on that, I honestly haven't; I've despised people who never meant me any harm, usually out of jealousy: Why is he/she married, and I'm still just as single as I always have been? Why is he/she awesome at everything he/she tries, yet I fail miserably at almost everything? Why does he/she get to travel the world, when I've never even been outside of my own time zone? Not only did I say that I wasn't going to do that anymore, but...when you really stop and think about it, it sounds silly, right? Still, such feelings eat away at me so badly at times that it's tempting to just scream, "I don't like you; get away from me!" right in said individuals' faces, at the top of my lungs.  The only thing that stops me is knowing that doing so would get me unfriended, and not just in the Facebook sense.

I remember watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray meets his cousin Gerard, who annoys Ray quite badly.  That night, Ray vents his feelings to his wife Debra as they're getting ready for bed, and she says that his cousin is just like him.  When Ray talks to his parents, they admit that he is annoying, but they love him anyway.  The writers probably didn't realize it, but that actually serves as an illustration of Matthew 7:1-5, which talks about not judging others, and the speck in your brother's eye versus the plank in your own.  My NIV Study Bible has this to say about said passage: "The traits that bother us in others are often the habits we dislike in ourselves." When it comes to questioning others' motives and wondering if they actually have a dark side, it's probably rooted in the fact that I was completely different person at home than I was anywhere else.  I was once discussing an issue about a then-friend supposedly lying to me with a high school teacher, and she told me that, because of the way my mind works, I have a black and white sense of morality--that is, it's right or it's wrong--and, for people without my condition, who she herself called "slobs," lying would fall into a gray area.  When I think about that, I realize that she apparently didn't know how I behaved at home.  At school and elsewhere, I may have been the innocent kid who loved the Disney Channel and Christian music, but at home, I treated everyone with disrespect, and, if something didn't go my way, I'd cry and scream, sometimes even turning violent.  No one who knew me at school would have believed that was the case.  It's true that I did have the kind of sense of morality that my teacher talked about; yet, it seemed that, at home, I did what I knew I wasn't supposed to do.  Yes, my behavior has improved since; still, the influence of my past causes me to doubt others.

I will end by saying this: One of my longtime fears is loneliness; in fact, the ever-present habit of me talking to myself is a product of being lonely, as my own voice was the only one I'd hear that didn't come out of a speaker or headphone.  When I was younger, I feared that, when I got in high school, I wouldn't have any friends...yet, when that time actually did come, I had plenty of friends.  Though I have lost some of those friends in the years since we graduated--and, in right many cases, I have no clue why--the friends I have at church and elsewhere more than make up for those unfortunate unfrienders.  Still, if I mess up--and we all know I can and have!--I could stand to lose those friends.  If I continue to doubt everyone's intentions and try to find their mistakes and self-contradictions, it'll likely end up that everyone except for my family members will abandon me.  I can't let that happen...but I also don't want to naively assume that everyone I encounter is my friend and is telling me the 100% truth.  That's the kind of attitude that gets your wallet, and maybe even your identity, stolen.  During the aforementioned problem with Emily, one friend said that wondering why my then-best friend added me on Facebook was "looking a gift horse in the mouth".  I understand that's a figure of speech; still, if I press my other friends as for details why they're even my friends in the first place, I'm asking for trouble.  People generally like me, and it's not right for me to assume that they're doing me wrong.  Now, if only I could stop doing so...

What I Learned and Discovered in 2013

So, 2013 is history.  Usually, around this time, I go back and talk about everything that happened the previous year...but that almost always proves to be difficult, as I seem to end up looking through my Facebook profile history to see exactly what happened when.  Instead, I will give a list of what I learned--and what I discovered--in 2013.  Neither of these lists are in any particular order.

What I Learned in 2013

1. You never know when the conversation you're having with someone might be your last.  This past February, one of my aunts died quite suddenly, shocking my entire family, especially her own children and her husband.  Though she and I hadn't had too much interaction over the past few years, losing her was heartbreaking, and emotionally impacted me in ways I've never felt before.  That's why I cherish my loved ones while they're still around.
2. Don't let the rules you've made for yourself keep you from doing what you want or need to do.  Some years ago, when I got a tremendous load of sci-fi/fantasy novels, I set a rule for myself that I would alternate by reading one book in that genre, and one book not in that genre.  I did that so I wouldn't get burned out on science fiction and fantasy.  When I got my iPad, I put that rule into place for my TV shows as well.  However, what ended up happening quite often was that I'd get halfway through a series and abandon it for so long that I'd end up forgetting what happened up to that point.  This past October, I got a DVD from the library of the first season of Home Improvement, and surprised myself by finishing it in a mere three or four days just by watching the episodes one after another.  I am currently applying that same strategy to Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?...or, at least, trying to.
3. Celebrity crushes are not really a necessary part of life.  In summer of 2001, I became obsessed with a celebrity who I won't name...and, since then, I had it just as bad if not worse for Hilary Duff, Anne Hathaway, Victoria Justice, and Demi Lovato.  As a product of my fixation on the latter singer/actress, I bent over backwards to make sure I saw every episode of The X Factor, where she was a judge.  Though I liked watching the auditions, both the judges--yes, including Ms. Lovato!--and the American public didn't seem to know what they were doing, as the best acts--Danie Geimer, Victoria Carriger, and all-girl group Sweet Suspense--were eliminated early on, leaving only the inane acts, like the annoying couple/duo Alex & Sierra.  After a while, I realized that I didn't want to watch the show anymore...and that I didn't need a celebrity to focus on in the first place.  When an obsession is present, not only is it sinful--it's idolatry--but it's also annoying...so, I chose to be done with it.
4. Good things come to those who wait.  In October 2011, after just over 2.5 years of being a volunteer at my local library, I was hired as a library page...at a library all the way across town.  Since I've never had my driver's license, I had to take the bus every time, which was a bit of a pain.  However, this past summer, that library closed down, and I was transferred to the library closest to me; that is, the one where I'd previously volunteered! I'd started to doubt it would ever happen, but it did, and I couldn't be happier about it!
5. Don't spend your money on something you really don't need, regardless of how cheap it is.  Everybody who knows me knows that I love bargain hunting, whether at garage sales, thrift stores, or even regular stores such as MovieStop or LifeWay.  However, over the past few years, my tendency has been to buy items in excess, as my Facebook friends have seen in the photos.  That's why, this year, though I still plan on bargain hunting, I will tone it down so that I don't get stuck with way more books than can fit in the space I have.
6. I am loved.  Simple statement, yes, but it's true; I have friends and family who love me, as well as a God who loves me unconditionally.  That's all I need to say about that.

What I Discovered in 2013 

1. Blu-Rays. For Christmas in 2012, my parents got me a home theater system, complete with surround sound speakers and a Blu-Ray player.  Since said device was backwards compatible with DVDs, and I didn't have any Blu-Rays on hand, I watched only DVDs on it.  When I found October Baby--one of my favorite movies--on Blu-Ray at a thrift store, I bought it, but traded it in soon after because I already had the DVD, and didn't think the newer format would make it any better.  Later on, I got the History Channel's The Bible mini-series on Blu-Ray...and was floored by the quality as soon as I put it in, so much so that I regretted trading in my copy of October Baby.  I look forward to watching more movies on the newer format in the years to come.
2. The Disney Channel. This was more of a rediscovery, but, I have loved the Disney Channel shows I've watched this year.  I used to be really big into that channel, but, iCarly and VICTORiOUS made me a big fan of rival network Nickelodeon.  However, those two shows ended around the start of last year, and I wasn't sure what to do...until I watched the Disney Channel, and loved it just as much as I did previously.
3. Tricia. No, I don't have a significant other; Tricia Brock--formerly of Superchic[k]--is a Christian singer with a wonderful message and great musicality.  If you haven't heard her before...you need to check her out!
4. 1 Girl Nation. Who is 1 Girl Nation, you ask? They are a all-girl Christian group that have quite a few great songs.  Though they have only released one album so far, I look forward to their future releases.  I was able to get their entire album via Freegal.
5. 90's Nickelodeon. When I was very young, I used to watch the same shows that many people my age watched on Nick; however, some time later, I gave up on the network, saying Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, and PBS were better because one had Growing Pains, another had Scooby-Doo, and the other one had educational shows.  Despite my bias against Nickelodeon, I didn't seem to mind seeing Good Burger in theaters; still, more recently, I've realized that I missed out by refusing to watch the orange network.  Thankfully, I've been able to watch some episodes via my DVR, and iTunes has plenty of seasons/volumes of those shows.  I look forward to watching plenty more of said shows in 2014.
6. Time away from the Internet.  For far too long, the Internet has been taking up way too much of my time, even getting in the way of my favorite shows.  That's why I've been limiting my time online, especially on Facebook.  It's one thing to use the Internet to look up information; it's another to spend time on it doing pointless things that don't help anyone.

Here's to 2014!

How to Keep Me Accountable

Years ago, I had a Christian friend who admitted that he was having a problem with using profanity.  Though I never heard him use it myself, I would suspect that him having Tourette's probably only made the issue worse; however, he did admit that having a group of friends at his college who kept each other accountable was a major help in keeping his language in check.  I may not have the same living situation, but I can still hope my friends can keep me accountable; if I say I will do something, but don't do it, they should be the ones letting me know.

Still, there is just one question: How? A friend recently commented, "I'm happy to hold you accountable. What would you like me to do?" Probably others have been asking the same question, which is likely why I have only been notified that I was doing something I had previously said I wouldn't do a scant few times.  So, I'm here to tell you what I would like you all to do in that regard.

First off: Remember what I said I was going to do...and hold me to it.  I don't expect you to remember every word I put on this blog--honestly, there are some online statements I've made I don't even want to recall myself!--but I do hope that you will remember the main points, and, if you think I've said or done something in violation of a previous statement, say something! That doesn't mean you have to call me out publicly; frankly, unless I flagrantly make a mockery of someone I personally know, making a public statement--online or elsewhere--that chews me out is simply an overreaction.  I should know; I've had it happen before, and it seriously hurt.  Telling me privately would be the best way.  Even if you think I've violated my own statements when I haven't, I'll investigate it and kindly reply.  That also means you will have to pay attention to what I post online...but you already do that, or you wouldn't be reading this!

Second off: When we talk, if I tell you I'm planning on doing something--or have done something--that isn't in keeping with my word...let me know.  Many of you know of a certain former female friend who I was obsessed with for quite a while.  What you may not know is: Prior to that, I had heard of other individuals whose obsessions with real-life acquaintances led to them facing charges...and I said, "I would never do that!" It wasn't until my case of it had blown over that I realized I had done something I'd said I would never do.  Then again, that wasn't the only time; it's happened before...and it's happened since.  I'll be honest: One of my problems is that I tend to say whatever it takes to get what I want...without actually intending to follow through on my word.  Back in 1999, one of my neighborhood friends got in a Super Smash Bros. duel with his brother to determine who the true champion of their household was.  To encourage him to win, I told him that, if he won, he could go online and print any Pokémon he wanted from my computer.  He did win...but I was still shocked when he actually held me to what I said.  Years later, I had to promise that I wouldn't complain if and when my parents decided to get a dog in order to go to an American Idol concert.  I agreed to all that...but, when I heard we actually would be getting one soon, I became so mad that me and my father got into an argument in public, and, when I vented to a friend about my situation, she reportedly told my mother, "[Siobhan] is very angry!"  In both cases, I was just speaking words to get what I wanted; I had no plans to actually do as I said.  I'm tired of that; I don't want to be a manipulator or a deceiver.  If a man is only as good as his word...then, my word needs to be great!

My final point before my conclusion: Don't make excuses for me not doing as I say. When I was in school, I had teachers at times who would give me high grades on projects that were paltry compared to the ones my classmates did.  It was especially that way in my high school Spanish class; I often turned in projects that I hastily slapped together in Print Shop or AppleWorks...and got close to the same grades as other kids who worked much harder on theirs! Yes, I may have had a "condition," but the only reason I did such rush jobs was because I "needed" my TV and Nintendo GameCube time, not because I couldn't work any harder! The same is true of me doing as I say: Unless there's some sort of extraneous circumstance--and I'm not the one who should be the judge of that--I should keep my word, regardless of what anyone else does or says.  It's true that it might take me a while to make a new habit, which is why a gentle reminder that I'm not doing as I said would be a big help.

Now, for my conclusion: One thing I absolutely don't want anyone to do is to do everything for me.  Of course, when learning a new skill--driving, graphic design, performing, etc.--one does need to heed the words of those who are more experienced within whatever area(s); still, if all I do is sit and watch someone else do something, I haven't really learned anything.  I know that most of you reading this are much well-versed in everything--well, okay, everything but kiddie entertainment!--than I am.  I want you to guide me, and I'm willing to accept assistance...but, if you do too much, what have I learned? It's as Confucius once said: "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

Any comments?