Disclaimer: I hope this does not offend anyone, as it is not my intent to do that. If you have any problem with anything I have said, please let me know, and I will resolve it somehow. Thank you.
Over the past eight or nine months, my Facebook friend list has been bombarded with news of engagements and/or upcoming weddings. I have at least three or four friends who are set to be married this summer, including one female friend--whom I never considered a potential significant other, though she is a nice young lady--who I've known since the seventh grade. At least two other friends aren't getting married that soon, but, barring some tragedy or Jesus' return, they're still going to marry their sweethearts in the near future. I'm really the only mutual friend all of those people would have, as they came from different places: my middle/high school, my church, a small group I attended outside of my church, etc.
You may be thinking, "Oh, no; here he goes again bashing those in relationships. I better get ready to click the 'unfriend' button." I'm not going to do that, though; seriously, if God blessed you with a great significant other, and he/she makes you happy, who am I to bash you for talking about that online or elsewhere? I realize that I did that in the past, and paid the price for it; I know now how wrong that was.
So, then, is there a problem with others being in serious relationships? Well...sort of.
You probably already know that I believe that--for the time being, at least--romance likely isn't in my future. My belief is, as I've said before countless times, that living that way is what God wants, regardless of what society might say about it. If I've convinced you of that, great; I need friends who understand me and why I do what I do instead of ones who constantly badger me to "stick to the status quo," as the High School Musical song says. The problem is...I have yet to convince myself.
Let's go back into my history for a bit: Though I was known in school--for good or for ill--as someone who smiled a lot, I actually had a lot of pent-up anger. I wanted to travel, but my family situation prevented that. I wanted my obsessions/addictions fed, but didn't want to work to satiate them, and then got upset when my mom did the best she could to support me, because it was never enough; I always wanted more. Though I really had a pretty good life, I made it sound like I had it worse than anyone else, just because I didn't get everything I wanted. Many kids across the planet never got even a tenth of what I was given, but I didn't care; I was treated unfairly because I had to eat food for dinner I didn't like, or because I didn't have as many Beanie Babies as my friends did.
I hate to say it, but that attitude it still going strong. Just yesterday, I discovered on the way home from work that the belt clip on Danielle's (that is, my iPod Touch's) case was busted, and neither my dad nor I were able to fix it properly. I was so mad that I was insulting myself and threatening to jump off the roof. After taking a walk around the block, I realized that there are much worse things than an iPod belt clip breaking; just look at the recent devastation in Oklahoma, or those three ladies who were held captive for about a decade. Still, for that moment, there was no one who had it any worse than me.
Such feelings apply to relationships, too: Though I know and have said that there are good reasons for my current lack of a significant other, there has always been a voice in my head--perhaps that of Satan or one of his minions?--that says, "Oh, please; do you really believe that tripe? The reason you're sans girlfriend right now is simple: You're an idiot. You're the same worthless individual you have always been, and you will always continue to be that way. You are who you are, and you cannot change; therefore, you are hopeless." I know what that voice says isn't true; I've said the opposite for a while now. Still, sometimes, the voices plague me and send me into a fury.
I'm sure most of you reading this could come up with some Scripture or inspirational quotation that would tell me not to worry, and that I am valuable and worthy of being loved. It's not that I would disagree with you; I believe in everything the Bible says, and even most secular motivational sayings apply to me, despite me being different from most people. The problem is that, though I believe all that, I don't know how to put it into practice. As someone who grew up in the church, I've been getting encouragement from friends and family all my life; there's really nothing any of you could tell me that I haven't already heard. Still, that demon of low self-esteem and unhappiness that has been plaguing me all my life just won't go away. Some time ago, a comment was made in a Sunday morning class on Matthew that demon possession in Bible times is what we would call mental illness today. I honestly wonder if the Asperger Syndrome isn't what's causing these feelings...but I do know that no amount of K-Love or Scripture reading is going to take it away. I've been listening to Christian music since 1999, and I've done a daily Bible reading for well over a year, yet those negative emotions--wherever they come from--are still just as present as they were prior to that. I want them to go away--I know that, if they did, I would be a much happier person--but they just won't, which makes me all the more frustrated.